Commuting Particles Increasingly at Risk
Collisions in CERN Particle Accelerators Under Review
The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) has released a study documenting a history of collisions at its particle acceleration facilities. In a recent series of interviews with the BBC, newly appointed CERN Operations Director Higgs Boson was candid about, “a consistent and concerning pattern of collisions and near-misses in all of our accelerators.”
In sessions with the BBC, Boson explained that, “for a particle, entering one of our accelerators is like ramping onto the Autobahn. Yes, the expectation is for speed, but also to complete the journey safely. These particles have places to go — jobs, kids’ practices, Pilates — and it’s our responsibility to see that they get there.”
Watchdog organizations including Muon Rights Watch have accused CERN of lax traffic control practices that increase the likelihood of collisions between particles traveling in opposite lanes. Boson is heading up an internal review of CERN lane switching practices, which appear to divert particles into oncoming traffic. “It’s like sending cars both ways at Daytona — it’s just not right.”
Boson’s appointment coincides with the retirement or resignation of many senior CERN officials, and follows the release of photographs from a forty-three particle pile-up in February that made international news.
[READER DISCRETION ADVISED] Some readers may find the following image disturbing.
Resulting injuries are often serious, and particle rehabilitation is time and resource intensive. “Reconstructing particles to factory condition can take months,” Boson stated. “And it’s still not a perfect science. It’s no different from assembling an Ikea chair — you finish, turn around, and there are three parts still on the coffee table. Which is also missing three parts.”
Boson acknowledges the importance of discoveries resulting from these collisions, but remains committed to preventing them. “Yes, undoubtably these collisions and the data they have provided have advanced the cause of science. We’ve discovered new particles, new forms of energy, proven the existence of antimatter and produced Europe’s largest electric bill. But at what cost?”
Cost is an issue that critics have pointed to as the prime mover in CERN’s sudden openness regarding particle collisions. Particle insurance is a growing industry, with Entropy Mutual issuing over 28,000 particle plans last year alone.
More concerning are the hundreds of documented instances where particles named CERN as primary beneficiary on polices. In numerous cases, a policy was taken out only hours before the insured particle disintegrated in a head-on collision with an identically insured particle. Payouts to CERN may total in the billions.
In 2008, The Christian Psions Monitor ran a still influential front-page exposé on CERN’s decision to name their largest accelerator the Hadron Collider. Boson maintains that the name was carefully studied with focus groups of quarks, and was simply intended to get particles into the twenty-seven kilometer long accelerator. “It’s no different from calling a carnival ride ‘The Spinner’, or a monster truck rally promising to turn a local arena into a ‘giant mud pit’. The idea is to generate excitement, but always with safety in mind.”
Despite his short tenure, Boson was earnest in his defense of the agency. “I have great faith in CERN’s ethics and mission. Our scientists are passionate but not maniacal. You can’t think of them as David Hedison in The Fly, or Burt Lancaster in The Island of Dr. Moreau, or Jeff Goldblum in The Fly again, or Rick Moranis in Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Although that did happen here once.”
On closer questioning, Boson admitted that they may be a little like Tim Curry in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. “There’s no dress code here. People can wear whatever they like, as long as there’s a lab coat over it.”
