Congratulations to the U.S. Postal Service on their induction into the Hipster Hall of Fame

For this year’s Hipster Hall of Fame Induction, we have a unique inductee. In fact, it’s an entire government agency that is just nailing it — or should we say MAILING IT (hey-ooo!) — and the nominating committee was just blown away by its embodiment of being so hipster it wasn’t even trying, which is, in fact, the very definition of hipster.

The United States Postal Service is many things, but let’s start with those uniforms, amiright?? Between the polyester pants with the piping — sorry, everyone, tried to find ’em on Wanelo but no dice! — and the collared shirt? Well, they sure did put a bird on it! And sent it priority mail to Portland, apparently. You pop some black New Balance kicks on those hard-working puppies and a trucker cap on top? That uni is doooope!

And those accessories? Can you even? What’s more hipster than a bike courier on a fixie listening to House of Pain with a disgruntled look on his face? I’ll tell you what. A disgruntled USPS postal carrier in pain on foot, toting a messenger bag! He’s crossed six feral pitbulls this month in order to deliver those IAMS circulars. It’s just so meta.

In the merch category, the nominating committee found post offices to be veritable cornucopias. Mailing tubes, envelopes, and a sparse rack of Dilbert greeting cards — all the usual wares. But I ask you: When was the last time you actually found something at a merch table that was both overpriced AND useful? Take the roll of packing tape that the USPS is willing to sell you for $3.75. Sure, they could just tape shut your box for you, since you waited through an entire season of “Battlestar Galactica” to get to the front of the line, but why not send you home with a little something? So it’s not a Notorious RBG lapel pin. But the tape roll does double as an ear gauge. Trust.

The nominating committee also noted that postage stamps are perhaps one of the more hipster currencies, besting Creedence Clearwater Revival record album covers, Polaroid pictures of strangers, and Lena Dunham. Stamps have been celebrating Frederick Douglass and Susan B. Anthony long before Urban Outfitters marketed their own abolitionist/suffragette T-shirt lines. Importantly, stamps can easily be tucked behind Club Goodwill Rewards cards in chain wallets and fanny packs.

As one nominating committee member noted, appropos of nothing, “Those small-ass postal trucks were way ahead of their time. Tiny homes are a buncha johnny-come-latelies.”

Photo by Pope Moysuh on Unsplash

In the final category, the committee the general atmosphere of the USPS to be the very essence of the hipster spirit. Most carriers appeared struck with ennui behind a pair of semi-ironic Pepsi Stuff shades while desk clerks appeared not at all dazzled with circling the tracking number and circling the tracking number OH IS THAT WHERE THE TRACKING NUMBER IS IT’S ALL SO BRAND NEW and asking if their patrons needed any stamps or other packing supplies JUST BOUGHT THE TAPE, THANKS and was there anything liquid NO hazardous NO perishable NO or fragile NO all the livelong day, and so, for reasons befitting of others in the hipster pantheon, it is my pleasure to introduce the newest inductee into the Hipster Hall-of-Fame, The USPS.

As usual, there will be no speech since we can’t hear anything above the din of the shade grown coffee bean grinder. The USPS has already bubble-wrapped their award and it will soon be in the traveling road show of memorabilia beginning in Bushwick.

I invite you all to join us at the roll your own cigarette table before the dulcimer recital/beard fashion shows begin.