Corporate Daddy Bracket Challenge
We think it’s pretty safe to say that we’re prolific visionaries. Safe, yes. Accurate, possibly. In this time of turmoil our fellow visionary peers have their sights restricted on the near term. Being fair to our fellow visionaries, there’s a lot of shit going on that’s happening in the near term that requires visionary-ing. Luckily for us and the rest of the world, we’re also disruptors — so we decided to try to vision ahead of the near-term future hell we’ll all be living in, and instead vision to the far-term future hell we’ll all be living in.
As our accountants, lawyers, and personal life coaches always tell us: It’s going to get worse, before it gets even worse.
Let us paint you a picture:
The year is unknown but to a scant few individuals. We just stopped counting because it’s the same old bullshit all the time and what the fuck does it matter anyway? The world is on the precipice of all manner of destruction, governments and empires are falling, and all things are painted with a patina of shit. At the zero hour, not wanting to lose all their money, we are saved by the few institutions remaining. The corporations. They become our benevolent providers, but demand our unflinching loyalty. We are both their customers and their employees. Corporations begin to wage war on others in a massive resource grab known as the “Mergers and Acquisitions War”. Eventually, in the fallout, a fragile peace is struck between the remaining corporations.
Sounds bleak? Yeah, kinda. But, you know what would be fun? Picking who we would side with in the upcoming corporation wars!
We’re visionary disruptors, just see our new side twitter (@disruptorianism) for proof, not psychics and there’s no way to tell what dumb bullshit is going to rear it’s ugly bullshit head out of silicon valley and become a top dog. So, we decided to do waaaaaaay less visioning and just use the Fortune top 16 for 2020. So here’s the list and a brief summary of the market they’re in.
- Walmart — Host of confederate pageant shows.
- Amazon — Slavery and hosting a significant portion of the internet.
- Exxon Mobil — Killing sea life with liquid dinosaurs.
- Apple — Selling devices now with hardware from the distant past.
- CVS Health — Vendor of stale candy.
- Berkshire Hathaway — Father to Anne Hathaway.
- UnitedHealth Group — Second home to SEC investigators.
- McKesson — Father of the opioid crisis.
- AT&T — Cell service provider of dropped calls and having 1 out of 5 bars of reception everywhere in the US with the exception of downtown San Francisco.
- AmerisourceBergen — Father to Candice “Murphy Brown” Bergen.
- Alphabet — Owner of all the letters.
- Ford Motor Company — the company that invented the car and stopped innovating on it immediately after.
- Cigna — Unsure. Sounds like a Final Fantasy villain.
- Costco Wholesale — The human enclosure at the zoo.
- Chevron — Winner of “Longest ‘Controversies’ Section on Wikipedia”.
- Cardinal Health — Have to assume here that it’s some kind of healthcare for birds.
No sense in reinventing the wheel here. We’ll just be borrowing the standard 16 slot single-elimination bracket.
Here’s where all the corps fell. There look to be a lot of interesting matchups in this first round.
We’ve got a non-zero amount of participants that have been directly implicated in creating the opioid crisis, several companies who’ve gotten a hand-slap for skirting even the loosest interpretation of labor laws, some companies are at the forefront of monitoring everything you do. All of them raking in money hand-over-fist. Oh… Ford is in there too. Ok, so then not ALL of them are raking in money, but you get the point.
The Evaluation Process
A lot goes into being a corp daddy, so we want to be diligent in our research. We want to feel safe in our corp daddy’s proverbial arms. Reliability, War Crimes / Lawsuits, Logo, History, and many more facets are going to be part of our considerations. It’s not just about money, but money helps.
In the next entry in our series, we’ll be covering the winners and losers of the first round and discussing our thought process involved throughout the selection process for Corp Daddy #1.