Dec 31, 2020

8 min read

Corporate Daddy Bracket Challenge: The Final Showdown

Hello friends and welcome to the final corp daddy bracket article. No, you didn’t miss one. We’re going to knock both rounds out in the same article, because now we’re disrupting big bracket too. Anyway, let’s get down to it and start with the final four.

As a reminder, here’s the current bracket:

Third round

Round 3 Matchup 1: (1) Walmart vs (4) Apple

Winner: Apple

This matchup was an absolute nail-biter. Walmart was the contender who had solid technique while Apple wow-ed with a little razzle dazzle. Ultimately, when the debate was over, Apple won because of perception. Huh. Who would have thought Apple would win solely on the merits of perception? This choice wasn’t so much about picking what our corp daddy could do to ensure our fealty — both seem like they be a kind daddy, stern when they need to be, and ultimately a good provider. However, the key difference came down to the type of folk with whom we’d be sharing our 20 hours of labor a day for the remainder of our lives. Our perception of the Walmart crew feels a bit too… the south will rise again for our blood. However, don’t think we entirely overlooked the aesthetic queens over at Apple. Ultimately, we decided to side with queens over confederates on this one.

Round 3 Matchup 2: (2) Amazon vs (4) Costco

Winner: Costco

Sorry Amazon, we just couldn’t do it. No matter how many commercials you air showing three employees who joined corporate to run some sort of change-the-world initiative with 0.00000001% of your net revenue, you can’t convince us that you’d take care of us NOW, let alone after the collapse of the world government and the ensuing corporate skirmishes to establish fiefdoms. HOWEVER, that takes a back seat to the fact that Costco sells passable liquor for $9.71 / L. Priorities. Not to mention, when the world locked down and we needed to wipe our asses, you know who was there for us with a pallet of low-grade tissue paper on a cardboard roll… Certainly not Amazon.

It’s now down to Apple vs Costco. As Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod says, “there can be only one.”

Intermission

Before we move into the final showdown, we thought we’d throw in one of those, “remembering the last 25 years” commercials to remind you all of just how much fucking money you’ve spent at these places a la youtube rewind style, but…. We thought that would be too much work, so instead why not take a minute and read up on sticking it to your corporate daddy, in a totally workplace appropriate non-sexual kind of way, by reading up on our series about Spite Compliance.

The Final Battle

For the sake of variance and adding a bit of drama, the following will be written (poorly) as a screenplay.

EXT — UNIDENTIFIABLE BATTLEGROUND — NIGHT

THE BATTLEFIELD IS SURROUNDED BY A MASSIVE CROWD OF ONLOOKERS. THE DETRITUS OF A PREVIOUS BATTLE FROM LONG AGO IS SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THE FIELD. THE CROWD NOISE IS OVERWHELMING. AMONG THE CROWD A SMALL, POORLY CONSTRUCTED ANNOUNCER’S BOX CAN BE SEEN.

THE ANNOUNCER SIGNALS FOR THE CROWD TO QUIET DOWN AND RAISES A MICROPHONE UP TO HIS MOUTH. THERE’S A WHINE FROM SPEAKERS, UNSEEN, SITTING JUST BEYOND THE CROWD.

ANNOUNCER
All right folks, it’s the final showdown between the two juggernauts. We’ve got the apex of thinness, the epitome of elitism, the phoniest of phone-makers Apple. And over here we’ve got the cost-minded conglomerate, the captain of card carriers, the bastions of bulk Costco!

GROUPS REPRESENTING APPLE AND COSTCO ENTER FROM SEPARATE ENTRANCES AND MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARD EACH OTHER ON THE BATTLEFIELD. AS THEY ENTER, TORCHES ARE LIT ALONG THE LINE OF THE CROWD — ADDING DEFINITION TO THE MASSIVE SIZE OF THE CROWD. ONE FIGURE FROM EACH GROUP SEPARATES AND MOVES TO MEET THE OTHER IN THE CENTERPOINT BETWEEN THE WARRING FACTIONS.

ANNOUNCER
It’s Tim Cook of Apple and Walter Craig Jelinek of Costco. In a display of stunning sportsmanship, the two leaders bump elbows!

A DIN OF SOUND EMITS FROM THE CROWD — A COMBINATION OF CHEERS AND BOOING.

CUT TO:

EXT — DARKNESS — NEARBY THE BATTLEGROUND

THE NOISE OF THE CROWD CAN BE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE. THE BACKGROUND OF THE SCENE CAN BARELY BE SEEN. HOWEVER, THERE IS AN AWARENESS THAT THE DIMLY LIT DETRITUS IS THE SAME AS THAT DOTTING THE BATTLEGROUND, AND THAT IT’S PASSING BY QUICKLY. THE SCENE IS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF SOMEONE RUNNING. THEY LOOK TO THEIR LEFT AND RIGHT TO SEE VAGUE SHAPES ALSO RUNNING IN THE SAME DIRECTION. THE ONLY OTHER NOISES THAT CAN BE HEARD ARE FOOTFALLS FROM THE RUNNING AND THE HEAVY PANTING OF THE RUNNER.

UNKNOWN RUNNER
[PANTING FROM RUNNING]

CUT TO:

EXT — UNIDENTIFIABLE BATTLEGROUND — NIGHT

AFTER SHAKING HANDS THE LEADERS MOVE AWAY FROM EACH OTHER — STILL SEPARATE OF THEIR BATTLE PARTY, BUT OUTSIDE OF STRIKING DISTANCE FROM ONE ANOTHER.

ANNOUNCER
Have each of the leaders agreed to terms?

BOTH LEADERS NOD THEIR HEADS IN AFFIRMATION.

ANNOUNCER
Costco — you’ve already chosen the location. So, Apple, it’s to you: Weapons?
TIM COOK
We’ve chosen fisticuffs!

THE CROWD NOISE INCREASES IN THE DELIGHT THAT THE FIGHT IS NEAR. TIM AFFIXES BRASS KNUCKLES MADE OF BRUSHED ROSE GOLD ALUMINUM, AND WALTER CHUGS A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF A $16.99 1.75L OF KIRKLAND VODKA AND SLAMS A ROLLER DOG.

CUT TO:

EXT — DARKNESS — NEARBY THE BATTLEGROUND

THE BATTLEGROUND IS MUCH CLOSER NOW AS THE UNIDENTIFIED PACK OF RUNNERS (LOOKS TO BE 5 OR SO) BEGINS TO CLOSE IN TO THE CROWD. THE NOISE OF FOOTFALLS AND PANTING IS NOW COMBINED WITH THE CROWD NOISE.

CUT TO:

EXT — UNIDENTIFIABLE BATTLEGROUND — NIGHT

THE APPLE CREW AND THE COSTCO CREW ASSUME FIGHTING STANCES. THEY BEGIN TO PSYCH THEMSELVES UP FOR BATTLE.

ANNOUNCER
It has been decided then. A battle of fisticuffs to the last person standing shall determine the winner of the Corp Daddy Challenge!
Let the fight begin in 5… 4… 3… 2…

A PORTION OF THE CROWD LINING THE FIGHTING AREA IS SHOVED INTO THE FIGHTING AREA. 5 FIGURES SPRINT INTO THE ARENA WEARING LUCHADOR MASKS AND WIELDING METAL FOLDING CHAIRS. THE LEAD STRANGERS SPRINTS TOWARDS THE AREA WHERE TIM AND WALTER ARE STANDING. WALTER HAS NOT NOTICED THE COMMOTION AS HE HAS SIMPLY CONTINUED TO DRINK HIS VODKA AND THE LEAD STRANGER SLAMS HIM UNCONSCIOUS WITH THE METAL FOLDING CHAIR. AFTER THE STRANGER STRIKES WALTER, THE TWO GROUPS BEGIN TO ENGAGE WITH THE OTHER STRANGERS DRESSED AS LUCHADORES WITH FOLDING CHAIRS.

AS THIS IS HAPPENING, THE ANNOUNCER IS NARRATING THE EVENTS UNFOLDING OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER.

ANNOUNCER
Sweet Alexa! An unknown group has entered the skirmish, and have already taken down the Costco CEO. They’re wielding folding chairs and seem to be dressed as… luchadores??

THE CROWD IS GOING WILD AND THE BATTLE IS CHAOS. HOWEVER, IT IS APPARENT THAT APPLE AND COSTCO ARE ENTIRELY OUTCLASSED BY THESE LUCHADORES.

THE PRIMARY LUCHADOR GOES TO FIGHT TIM. HE SWINGS THE FOLDING CHAIR AT TIM AND TIM MEETS THE CHAIR WITH A PUNCH WITH HIS BRASS KNUCKLE AND MAKES AN APPLE LOGO-SHAPED DENT IN THE SEAT OF THE CHAIR. THE TWO TRADE BLOWS, BUT ULTIMATELY TIM IS KNOCKED TO THE GROUND. AS TIM IS KNOCKED TO THE GROUND A HUSH FALLS OVER THE CROWD.

ANNOUNCER
My oh my folks! Never in the history of…

THE ANNOUNCER HAS HIS MICROPHONE TAKEN BY ONE OF THE NEARBY LUCHADORES AND IS SHOVED TO THE GROUND.

LAYING ON HIS BACK, TIM BEGINS CRAWLING AWAY FROM THE PRIMARY LUCHADOR, LOOKING AT THE AFTERMATH. THE LUCHADORES HAVE SOUNDLY BEATEN BOTH FORCES.

TIM [screaming]
Did Bezos send you? The Waltons? Whatever they paid you, I’ll give you a worse deal, but I’ll make it look better and promise that the deal will seamlessly integrate with all my other deals — despite packaging all my deals with a different fucking charger…

THE PRIMARY LUCHADOR LOOKS TO ALL THE OTHER LUCHADORES STANDING AROUND. THEY ALL REMOVE THEIR MASKS AND ALL OF THEM ARE UNREMARKABLE / UNRECOGNIZABLE. ALTHOUGH, ONE BEARS A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO KIEFER SUTHERLAND.

TIM
I… I don’t recognize you. Do I know you? Who are you?
LUCHADOR WITH THE MIC
We are Minimally Useful Industries, and we have usurped you! We are the winners of the Corp Daddy Challenge!
ANNOUNCER
That’s not exactly how this works…

THE LUCHADOR WITH THE MIC PUMP-FAKES A STRIKE WITH HIS METAL FOLDING CHAIR TOWARDS THE ANNOUNCER.

ANNOUNCER
Fine! Fine. You’re the winner! You won the Corp Daddy Challenge.

THE CROWD BEGINS CHANTING.

CROWD
MUI! MUI! MUI!

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. — BASEMENT

THREE LAB TECHNICIANS ALL COLLECTIVELY AND SLOWLY AWAKEN TO FIND THEMSELVES CHANTING IN PARALLEL WITH THE CROWD FROM THE SCENE BEFORE. A VOICE CALLS TO THEM FROM A LOUDSPEAKER.

VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER
Hey, guys down in the space cocaine lab… don’t forget… your article series is due in an hour.
LAB TECHNICIAN 1
Shit! I didn’t write anything! Did either of you write anything?
LAB TECHNICIAN 2
Ugh! No! I totally forget about it. We’re so screwed!
LAB TECHNICIAN 3
Guys! You should come and look at this.

LAB TECHNICIAN 1 AND 2 JOIN LAB TECHNICIAN 3 AT THE COMPUTER

LAB TECHNICIAN 1
What the fuck is a Corp Daddy?

FADE OUT:

**Lawyer’s note: All events in this screenplay are entirely fictitious and are the result of a space-cocaine induced fever dream. The characters therein — even those that may be based on real people — are fictional.

Conclusion

Wasn’t that fun? WE won the corp daddy challenge. Ultimately, it was the friends we made along the way that mattered most because the power was always inside our hearts… or some shit. Hit us up Netflix.