Cosby Gets Jail Time

Drumpf says sentence clears path for Kavanaugh

A Pennsylvania judge sentenced comedian Bill Cosby to a minimum of three years in prison today. The once revered Hollywood elder statesman will now carry the designation “sexual predator for the rest of his life.”

Within seconds of the announcement, Drumpf received a text alert with the news at the United Nations. He interrupted his trade conference with the Chinese to tell reporters, “I just heard a great man, a great great man, Bill Cosby, who never hurt a fly, he just provided refreshments to ungrateful fans, was sentenced to three hundred years in prison.”

He asked everyone in the room to bow in a moment of prayer and respect for the fallen hero. When no one did, he said. “This is the toughest crowd I ever worked. I need to introduce you to the people who attend my rallies. Maybe they teach you how to show respect and appreciation.”

He stood to return to the negotiations and said, “This means, of course, that American women got their sacrificial lamb. We can proceed on the vote to confirm Justice Kavanaugh without these silly hearings Thursday and put this nonsense behind us.”

”American women got their sacrificial lamb. We can proceed on the vote to confirm Justice Kavanaugh without these silly hearings.”

A female in the Chinese delegation listened to the translation and then threw her shoe at Drumpf, missing by inches. “You see?” he told reporters. “Women can’t even throw. How do you expect them to remember who tried to rape them in high school? It’s a good thing the Chinese are as bad at negotiation as women are at getting the right rapist, or I might have to concede something in these one-sided negotiations.”

When this line was translated the entire Chinese delegation rose and left the room. “Geez,” Drumpf said. “I guess Chinese men are always on the rag too.”

Reporters asked Drumpf to explain his failure to secure any concessions from the Chinese at a conference later in the day. “We scored a major victory,” he replied. “We gave angry women their sacrificial lamb. This puts an end to the Kavanaugh con job. They get a distinguished entertainer, granted one who’s blind and useless, but still, they ruined a good man. These women are vicious, serial predators. They’ll do anything to ruin a good man’s reputation, and more than one. I think that if they demand another victim so soon after this one, the world will see what villains these women are.”

”These women are vicious, serial predators. They’ll do anything to ruin a good man’s reputation, and more than one. I think that if they demand another victim so soon after this one, the world will see what villains these women are.”

Later in the day, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell confirmed that the hearings with Dr. Christine Ford will continue as planned, but then the Senate will confirm Kavanaugh with no further debate. Cornered outside the Senate Chambers, McConnell said, “The President made it clear. The Justice System finally gave in to these greedy women and delivered someone to punish. There’s no need to drag another fine man into their vendetta.”