Cringeworthy Classic Pop Song Titles
That Could Also be Episodes of a Dick Wolf Show
In honor of Law & Order (The “Mother Ship”) returning to network television, here’s a list of classic pop hits from multiple generations that would be fitting titles for episodes from the Dick Wolf canon.
Baby Love-The Supremes
The SVU team would all take turns restraining themselves
from punching out the perp. Eventually, he gets convicted and goes to a hospital for the criminally insane and has a relationship with an American Girl doll.
Every Breath You Take (I’ll Be Watching You)-The Police
This is the one (one??) where the cops show the victim a series of pictures, they’ve recovered of her going to work at the gym, in the shower. No one asks her why she leaves her curtains open whenever she walks around naked. Somehow the pictures remain on Detective Munch’s laptop.
Judy’s Turn to Cry-Leslie Gore
The victim’s cell phone is off. She will be bound, gagged, and must listen to the kidnapper tell her how her father didn’t tip him when he was their paperboy. She’s three beats from being killed or tortured. Hopefully, O.A. and Maggie will find her by the last commercial.
Too Young-Nat King Cole
McCoy prosecutes the wealthy financier when it’s discovered that he abused his granddaughter-and his daughter when she was his granddaughter’s age. The granddaughter seduces her grandfather in order to have her mother catch them in the act. The daughter kills her father, the mother goes to jail and the granddaughter takes over the company-just as she planned. The rest of the family changes their name and moves to Milwaukee.
You Belong to Me-Carly Simon
Rollins and Velasco bust into a basement apartment looking for a kidnapped girl. They don’t find her, but they do find a shrine to her, complete with articles of clothing, discarded Starbucks containers with her name on them, and pictures from her high school yearbook. They finally locate the pair at a nearby Subway where the kidnapper has threatened to kill the girl’s dog unless she gets him a foot long BMT.
You Talk Too Much-Joe Jones
Ice-T investigates a report of spousal abuse. Ready to give the guy a beating for terrorizing his wife, the cops find out that she is being driven crazy because the husband will literally not stop talking about how he lost his fantasy football league by one point. The wife becomes so unhinged by the relentless banter that she holds her husband and their two kids hostage and threatens to kill them unless he stops talking. The husband refuses to shut up until Ice-T promises to get him a Draft Kings account.
I Will Follow Him-Peggy March
LaCroix and Barnes try to convince a woman who is protecting a serial killer, that he’s using her. She’s convinced the killer loves her as evidenced by her name, “Mom” tattooed on his neck. She is still in disbelief when the two Feds show her a video of the killer saying, “She’s still alive? Oh, I just forgot to kill her.”
It Wasn’t Me- Shaggy
Eames and Goren confront the woman who has killed her ex-husband but planted evidence to show that the murderer was really his current much younger wife. Goren’s trademark slanted head interrogation pose, causes the ex-wife to wrench her neck trying to look him in the eye. Her neck breaks and she dies.
Hurt So Good-John Mellencamp
The SVU team investigates an “accidental” death at an S&M club when a patron, after enduring relentless criticism of his choice of music, punctures his own eardrum. He can hear nothing except music from Andrew Lloyd Webber shows, and as a result, takes his own life.
Prisoner of Love-covered by artists from Perry Como to James Brown
The D.A. must prosecute a woman who killed her torturer/rapist after he was let free on a technicality. He had declined to prosecute her for the murder, but he changed his mind when he found out that the woman first tied up her victim and forced him to Rand Paul speeches for 24 hours.
