CRISIS ON PLANET MEN!
Woman: There’s no need to shout.
Me: Sorry.
So, there’s a manhood crisis. An increasing number of women are perfectly happy staying single, rather than be in a relationship with a man who makes a poor boyfriend.
Being in a relationship with certain types of men is just too much hard work. This means some men are having trouble finding girlfriends.
I could say critically acclaimed author Roxanne Shanté, kinda, sorta predicted this crisis back in 1992, but I won’t.
So what’s the answer?
More advice from me, dummy. What makes me an expert? Well you’re here reading this ain’t you?
Apparently men are hunter-gatherers. Presumably this means we hunt women and gather girlfriends? Unfortunately, because women are happy not being with us, men are gathering fuck all. Therefore men need to improve themselves.
1. Get Relationship Fit
Me: As someone who is slightly overweight….
Woman: Slightly?
Me: “Those that judge go mental.” — Daria Morgendorffer
Anyway, as someone who is slightly overweight, I recognise it is important to keep in shape. Many recommend hitting the gym. Mind you, why would you want to go to a place full of people who obviously don’t need to go to a gym, just to end up feeling inadequate? Is, at the extreme end of things, looking like a pitbull on steroids, really that attractive to the opposite sex? Besides, ‘roids seemingly make your cock small.
Woman: Size isn’t everything.
Me: So says the woman who drives a four be four ghetto tank.
If you need to get into shape, you’re better off at a swimming pool. The pool is a place where there is an understanding that the reason you’re going swimming, is because you’re out of shape. Also, because everyone is half naked, you can see what you might be getting.
Woman: That’s sexist.
Me: Sorry. Everyone is half naked, so women can see what they might be getting.
2. Build Shit
Men like to work with their hands, which is probably why some men wank so much. If you choose to build shit, you may find you’re more productive doing it in a man cave. So build a man cave and call it, ‘man cave.’ Although, apparently, nothing dries up a vagina quicker than the words, ‘man cave.’
Alternatively, go to one of those men’s spaces (do people still say “are they still allowed?”) where you can learn to build shit with other men. Personally I can’t think of anything worse. It’d be like working in my warehouse. Minus the actual building shit, and minus the only working with men only.
I own a sewing machine for ‘make do and mend,’ and an electric drill for, er, drill drilling. So that’s plenty build for me.
Anyway, to summarise, get a sewing machine and an electric drill.
3. Broaden Your Horizons
By all accounts one way to broaden your horizons is to read books. I don’t read books. I’m dyslexic.
Woman: You’re just using that as an excuse.
Me: Don’t be neurodiversist!
However, there’s always reading poetry. Although poetry reminds me why I don’t read books.
Woman: You’re shouting again.
Me: Sorry.
4. Masculine or Masculame?
Women like confident men. However, women don’t like confident men if they come across as over confident. So, that’s that sorted innit.
Go improve. Get yourself a girlfriend!
Not you, this shit ain’t meant for you. Mr, “The Missus.”
Final Thoughts
Men, ultimately, like all those single ladies, you might actually find being single ain’t so bad. Then what do I know? I’ve been with me girlfriend for nearly 30 years.
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