Criterion To Release Zapruder Film In 4K Ultra HD
NEW YORK, NY — Home-video distribution company The Criterion Collection is set to release the infamous film of the JFK assassination in ultra hi-def next month, extremely-online and conspiracy-driven sources confirmed.
“The Zapruder film is almost certainly the most well-known 8mm film ever made,” said Criterion spokesperson Emily Weller. “Those 486 frames have been obsessed-over for six decades by historians and basement-dwelling oddballs alike — except for frame 313, of course. And who’s to say why Zapruder didn’t initially publish 313? He claims it was just basic decency to hold back the one frame of the moment of impact. Yeah, OK, sure. If you believe that, I got a bridge to sell you. I mean, it certainly wasn’t so” — she then employed air quotes — “‘they’ could doctor 313 before release, right? That’d be literally insane.”
Jonathan Kelly, a self-professed film fanatic and Criterion collector, expressed excitement about the company’s announcement.
“I’ve been waiting for this one for a long time,” said Kelly. “After 61 years, we finally get the chance to see JFK’s head explode the way it was meant to be seen. Finally we’ll get the mother of all money shots in the life-like clarity of 2160p. It’ll be the equivalent of being right there in Jackie’s position next to JFK in his limo. Except for being covered in brain matter, I guess. It’s just a shame this new version won’t have the original frame 313. The original’s locked away in the same military base that has the Moon landing sound stage and the recovered alien spaceship from Roswell, ya know. ”
New York Times film critic Alexander Garins commented on the overlap between Criterion Collection fans and JFK assassination conspiracies.
“Criterion-heads are fanatics,” explained Garins. “Seriously, they’re at the very top of film snobbery. To them, if you don’t have at least a half dozen Criterion picks, then you’re not a real movie fan. Their pretentiousness makes college professors look humble. But then again, conspiracists tend to be pompous, too — especially JFK assassination conspiracists. God, they’re insufferable. They claim to have the real explanation — Castro killed him or the KGB killed him or whatever — and all of us rubes are wrong. Look, we all know what really happened. Kennedy wasn’t shot by Oswald; he was poisoned by RFK. Why wasn’t JFK’s autopsy performed in Dallas? Why put him on Air Force One and fly him to Maryland, and then perform an autopsy? C’mon. Use your head. Truth is, his body’s frozen in some underground bunker. Only an idiot would think otherwise.”
At press time, Weller also announced Criterion’s plans to release a 4K Ultra HD edition of R. Budd Dwyer’s final press conference.
