Crucial Hacks for Your First Post-Traumatic Breakup Date After Six Months Isolating Yourself In Fetal Position

No, it’s not just like riding a bike. You have forgotten almost everything.

Christine Stevens
The Haven

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That’s some dang fine post break up hair there dude, so glad you right swiped me! Photo by Valentina Giarre on Unsplash

Preparing for the Date:

  1. Shower. It won’t hurt you, honestly. Put your hand in there. You feel that? It’s water. It’s nice. OK, now pick up the soap. No, it won’t get in your eyes. And even if it does, you can use a towel. But it’s not your face we’re worried about so much. We’ve got to get that soap into your nether regions, and fast. Because you know what — there’s a lot going on in those nether regions. Too much!
  2. Use some deodorant. Like an entire thing of deodorant. Spray it until you can’t even see. Stand in the cloud of deodorant for like five minutes. Much better.
  3. Brush your teeth. But don’t floss. It’s way too late for that. You haven’t flossed in a year. If you start now, your mouth will be full of blood when you show up for your date and your date will run away in horror.
  4. Put on some clean underwear. I know, you’ve grown accustomed to that stale thing around your crotch that actually used to be shaped like underwear but now is more like a rag soaked in mineral spirits. (On the plus side, if you need any paint…

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Christine Stevens
The Haven

Funny lady, writer of satire and sex, proud Californian. Like me? You can buy me a coffee here: https://buymeacoffee.com/xtinesteveO. Cheers!