Dear Prospective Employer
It’s Not Me, It’s You
31 May, 2024
Dear Wraithion Financial Group,
I have reviewed your recent Senior Product Owner for Development posting. I appreciate your reaching out regarding this unique opportunity. There was a larger than expected number of postings to review and every consideration was given to your position. Unfortunately, your offering does not meet my requirements at this time.
Please do not mistake this response as a one-size-fits-all dismissal. Your listing was carefully read and evaluated for its merits, and my decision to decline was not an easy one. Your description of the work environment as, “dynamic, demanding and fast paced, focusing on managing multiple priorities across fluid project matrices reporting to multiple executives,” was intriguing. In any other context, such an environment might come across as a chaotic, ill organized ulcer factory, rife with lost productivity and infighting — but your posting makes it sound like such a treat!
Among the required qualifications for the position, you list the following:
I am flattered at your estimation regarding the breadth of my skill set. Your inclusion of Cobol in the list assures me of your commitment to the highest standards of innovation and investment in technology. I am forced to point out, however, that were I to devote my life to attaining and maintaining the cumulative 49+ years of advanced proficiency, certifications and experience with all the products in this list, the resulting human being may not be one that you would want in the building.
Which brings me to the final incentive of, “100% onsite, with frequent travel to hosting sites.” While the prospect of needlessly leaving my home office for Wraithion’s far flung data centers scattered across the Sonoran deserts of Arizona is enticing, I blame myself for not including in my LinkedIn profile that my sinusitis precludes me from working in arid climates.
In conclusion, while the nebulous salary, background checks and mandatory 1-year probationary period are inviting, I must regretfully decline the pleasure of an interview. I wish you well on your continued search for a candidate with the qualifications, wherewithal and moral equivocation to join the world’s leader in payday lending.
Sincerely,
Mike Noble
