Definitely Not Drew Barrymore
Andrew arrived at McCallum’s Diner with a flutter in his stomach. Ben, already sitting in their usual booth, saw his best friend strolling down the aisle and stood up to hug him. At that very moment, Andrew had no idea his life was about to change forever. For you see, the possibility of true love was imminent. After months of searching, Ben had found him the perfect girl.
“Andrew, I have THE perfect girl for you.” Andrew was interested.
“I’m interested. Who is it?”
“She’s blonde and funny and extremely popular.” Andrew looked at his best friend. A man he had known for almost thirty years.
“It’s not Drew Barrymore, is it?” Ben laughed an overly obnoxious laugh.
“No. NO! What? Drew Barrymore? No.” Andrew stared at his best friend.
“Ben, I know you. It’s Drew Barrymore.” Meryl, their usual waitress, came over and interrupted.
“Hey, Andrew. Whatcha havin?”
“Hey, Meryl.” He drummed his fingers on the linoleum table for a bit. “ I’ll have — “
“Let me guess, toasted wheat bread, turkey, American cheese, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and mustard?”
“And a chocolate Coke!” Meryl chuckled.
“Maybe one day you’ll try something else on the menu.” She looked over at Ben,
“You good with that coffee Ben?”
“I am. Thanks.” Meryl walked back up the aisle while Ben scrolled through the jukebox.
“Cool! They have old French songs. Any requests?”
“No, no, no. We’re talking about how you are trying to set me up on a blind date with Drew Barrymore.” Ben stuffed his dollar in the slot and picked his three songs.
“Drew Barrymore?”
“Yes, Drew Barrymore.”
“Seriously, Andrew, you’re funny. Drew Barrymore, the actress? The Oscar-nominated actress?”
“First, she was never nominated for an Academy Award. Second, I know you. I know when you’re lying. Just tell me the girl is Drew Barrymore.”
Ben laughed again. “I don’t know what to tell you, man.”
“Tell me it’s not Drew Barrymore.”
“Where would you even come up with that? Like I would actually know the woman who starred in Scanners.” Andrew stared straight into Ben’s eyes.
“She didn’t star in Scanners.”
“Well, see, that proves it right there. I don’t know Drew Barrymore.” The two men sat in silence for a bit, Ben drinking his coffee, Andrew rubbing his thumb against his ring finger, feeling the absence of jewelry. Ben opened his mouth to speak before Andrew cut him off.
“Is it?”
“Is it what?”
“Is her first name, Drew?”
“Okay, yes, I’ll give you that. Her first name is Drew.”
“All right. Is her last name, Barrymore?”
“No.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“What does she look like?”
“Well, she’s blonde, and people either really love her, or they completely despise her.”
“That’s the worst description of a potential blind date in the history of sex.” For the third time in their brief conversation, Ben laughed.
“I guess you’re right.”
“You’re also describing Drew Barrymore.”
“Who?”
“Drew Barrymore. The girl you’re trying to fix me up on a blind date with.”
“I’m telling you it’s not her.”
“What does she do for a living?”
“She’s in entertainment.”
“Like how?”
“I think some acting. Some producing.”
“Was she in any horrible movies starring Jimmy Fallon?” Ben took a second to think.
“Maybe?”
“Did she run on the field when Boston finally won the World Series?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Was she in E.T.?”
“E.T.?”
“Yes, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial.”
“No, she would have been too young for that.” Andrew let out a deep breath and laughed.
“Fine, you win. I believe you.”
“Thank you. It was getting a bit silly.” Meryl came back over with his chocolate Coke, turkey sandwich, and a napkin containing a fork and knife. Andrew thanked her and took a bite with his tiny mouth. In between chews he said,
“I know. It’s just that I know you, and it felt like you were trying to set me up with Drew Barrymore.”
“I get it, man. No worries.”
“What happens now?”
“I’ll give you her number, and you can give her a call.”
“Wait, did you already ask her if that’s okay?”
“Oh yeah, she’s looking forward to it.” A large smile appeared on his face like he witnessed the end of a David Copperfield performance. Andrew had gone through a rough couple of months. Perhaps his luck was finally turning around.
“Listen, man, thank you. I appreciate it.”
“I know, Andrew. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I hope this works out for you.”
“And I’m sorry for giving you such a hard time.” Ben drank the last gulp of coffee and smiled.
“No worries. I understand.” A beat passed as Andrew took several bites.
“Me too. I can’t wait to meet her!”
“I’m really excited!” Andrew laughed and poured half the glass of chocolate Coke down his gullet.
“You sound even more excited than I am!”
“I’m not going to lie I kind of am! I mean, c’mon! You’re about to go on a date with Drew Barrymore!”
Andrew finished the rest of his chocolate Coke while the jukebox sang,
Quand Madelon vient nous servir à boire
Sous la tonnelle on frôle son jupon
Et chacun lui raconte une histoire
Une histoire à sa façon
La Madelon pour nous n’est pas sévère
Quand on lui prend la taille ou le menton
Elle rit, c’est tout le mal qu’elle sait faire
Madelon, Madelon, Madelon!
