DeSantis Rips Jesus For Being Woke
First he took on the Magic Kingdom. Now it’s the Kingdom of Heaven.
In attempt to revive his presidential campaign, Governor Ron DeSantis has opened a new front in his War on Woke©. Up until now, his biggest fight was with Mickey, Goofy, and Donald Duck. Now he’s attacking the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
DeSantis is trying to win the Iowa Caucuses, the first hurdle in the race for the Republican nomination. He’s trailing Trump badly — by forty points, according to the latest poll.¹ To improve his position, he “reset” his campaign. He parked his private jet, and is touring Iowa by bus. He’s granting interviews to lamestream news organizations he previously scorned. He trimmed the fat from his campaign staff. He ditched his campaign manager.
None of those things worked. That made DeSantis so DeDesperate, he tried resetting himself. Though standoffish by nature, he tried being sociable. The results are mixed. During a meet ’n greet at the Iowa State Fair, DeSantis flummoxed a farmer by asking if lactose-intolerant cows produce less milk. Then he ruffled his wife’s feathers by praising her pendulous udders. On the other hand, DeSantis gets an enema every morning, so he doesn’t look so constipated when he’s forced to hobnob with the bumpkins.
Since his “resets” haven’t worked, DeSantis has fallen back on the strategy which wowed ’em in Florida, and should do likewise in Iowa: attacking woke.
That’s because most Iowa Republicans are White Evangelicals. And WEs hate Woke. They see it everywhere. The “Black Sheep Lives Matter” signs in people’s yards. Geldings competing with mares in horse races. Castrated steers referred to as “they” and “them.” Why, a farmer can’t pull his boots on at a feed store without being lectured about Critical Shoelace Theory.
Woke roadside farm stands are the worst. They promote diversity by displaying brown parsnips, yellow beets, red radicchio, and purple eggplants beside the traditional corn, cukes, and onions. They practice affirmative action by allocating shelf space to Black Beauty Tomatoes. Discriminate by taking it away from White Asparagus. And they sell the most queer-looking taters that ever came out of a root cellar.
White Evangelicals applauded DeSantis when he twisted the mouse’s tail.² But how would they feel if he slapped the holier-than-thou out of Jesus? DeSantis’s campaign polled them; the answer was Just Fine. It’s because White Evangelicals have given up on Jesus. He spouts too much liberal-drivel. Case in point: the Beatitudes³, which Jesus preached during his Sermon on the Mount.
- ‘Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.’
- ‘Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.’
“What a bunch of cowplop,” Evangelicals said. “Look at the people who are subverting our white Christian nation. The public school prayer deniers. Public library child groomers. University culture cancellers. Madison Avenue shopping manipulators. Hollywood Sodom and Gomorrah glorifiers. Social media scaremongers. News media agitprop fabricators. Tech industry Machiavellis. Healthcare system life-or-death deciders. Stock market cardsharps. Financial investment thimbleriggers. Banking system robber barons. Deep State false flag fliers. Corporateworld puppet masters. New World Order overlords. And their Gay, Trans, FBI, ATF, atheist, Black, Muslim, Jewish, Antifa, socialist, immigrant, Marxist, and feminist foot soldiers.
“How does Jesus want us to respond to those threats? ‘Whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.’⁴ Fat lotta good that’ll do! That’s why we follow Trump. Sure, he’s not perfect. ‘When he ‘looketh on a woman to lust after her, [he] commits adultery with her in his heart.’⁵ He probably also grabbeth her pussy. So what? The only thing that matters is, if a radical leftist turns the other cheek to Trump, he’ll smite that one, too, then kick him in the nads.”
That settled it, so far as DeSantis was concerned. If he attacked Jesus for being woke, he’d win over White Evangelicals, and with them, the Caucuses. So last Saturday, during a rally at the Eternity Church in Clive, DeSantis declared that he’d begun a new offensive in the War on Woke®.
“Friends,” he said, “I took on Disney because they make a fortune acting all family-friendly, while using woke entertainment to brainwash our kids.⁶ Now it’s time to tackle a bigger threat. I’m talking about Jesus Christ. He’s the world’s most famous nepo baby. He has his daddy’s vast spiritual enterprise at his disposal. And he uses it to program people to be woke, by flooding them with radical leftwing ideas during worship services, and shoving woke down kids’ throats during Sunday school classes.
“For starters, look at Jesus’s woke pronouns. He says ye, thee, thy, and thou. He wants you to think those are harmless nominative second person pronouns. Wrong! Jesus is injecting gender ideology into his theology. Like when he said ‘A new commandment I give unto thee, that ye love one another. As I have loved thee, ye should also love each other.’⁷ What a bunch of woke hogwash. Jesus should use real American pronouns. As in ’A new commandment I give to youse guys, that y’all love one another. As I have loved ya, youse should love each other.’
“Let’s talk about the outlandish ideas called Diversity and Inclusion.⁸ They sound reasonable: assemble a group which has a variety of people, and give each of them a say in the decision-making process. Jesus encourages it: ‘When ye come together, every one of you hath a psalm, a doctrine, a tongue, a revelation, an interpretation.’⁹
“That’s radical left-wing nonsense. Jesus’s own experience proves it. He started out as a spiritual entrepreneur who built up a clientele while wandering the countryside. He hired a staff to help sell his product. Did Jesus use LinkedIn© to find experienced salesmen? No! He scrounged up people on his own. And he prioritized diversity over qualifications. Look what that got him, in modern terms.¹⁰
- A Tommy Hilfiger-like clothing designer (James son of Alphaeus, a woolen cloth maker).
- A Bob the Builder kind of contractor (Jude the carpenter).
- An Eliot Ness IRS agent (Matthew the tax collector).
- A Steve Bannon political rabble-rouser (Simon the Zealot).
- A Joel Osteen huckster (Paul the Pharisee. Prior to signing on with Jesus, he preached that God would make people rich, if they dropped money in Paul’s offering plate.)
- And finally, seven slacker fishing buddies who hung out at a marina (Andrew, Bartholomew, James son of Zebedee, John, Peter, Philip, and Thomas).
“Have you ever seen a more douche set of salesmen? Jesus would have done better by hiring used camel dealers off the lot.
“But wait, there’s more! Jesus hired a felon: Judas Iscariot, a former bookkeeper who’d been caught embezzling. How’d that work out? Jesus decides to take his firm public, and rides a donkey into Jerusalem to do an IPO. Judas, by now a disgruntled employee, turns “whistleblower.” He accuses Jesus of fraud, and turns him in to the Spiritual Securities and Exchange Commission for a reward.
“What’s the moral of Jesus’s story? If you go woke when hiring, you’ll ruin your business, get run out of town on a cross, and be branded the biggest swindler since Pharaoh peddled a pyramid scheme.
“Oh, I almost forgot: there’s Equity.⁸ That’s the Marxist malarkey that all people should be treated fairly, justly, and according to same rules. Jesus promotes that one, too. ‘There is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: Christ is all, and in all.’¹¹ Ya gotta be kidding me. First they tell me “Barbarian Lives Matter.” Now I gotta be nice to guys whose knobs weren’t snipped off their crotch goblins.
“One more woke thing about Jesus: his clothing.¹² The ankle-length chitōn¹³ of undyed wool. The woven tunic underneath which goes down to his knees. The hippy-dippy sandals. C’mon Jesus. Wanna be taken seriously? Ditch the robe. Wear a working man’s Carhartts® instead.¹⁴
“Clearly” said DeSantis, “Jesus has infected religion with the woke mind virus. There’s only one way to get woke out of the church: get Christ out of Christianity. Therefore, tomorrow morning, I’ll order the Florida Department of Faith to purge the woke from churches in my state.
“We’ll start by banning woke sermons from worship services. Like the ones about Jesus using five loaves and two fishes to feed five thousand people.¹⁵ Gimme a break! Jesus didn’t come up with that stuff himself. Like every other tax and spend liberal, he took from the makers and gave to the takers.¹⁶ In so doing, he created the expectation that even the laziest, no-account slacker is entitled to taxpayer-funded food, housing, and health care. Jesus isn’t talking about Christian charity. He promoting Godless Communism.
“We’ll outlaw woke scripture lessons. Such as when Jesus said ‘the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, [and] temperance.’¹⁷ Geez, why didn’t he throw in the Fruit of the Month, the Fruit of the Loom, and the Fruit of my Loins while he was at it? Then let people carry it all home in a National Public Radio woke tote bag?
“We’ll ban the teaching of Critical Grace Theory in Sunday school. It’s the New Age humbug that ‘Love is patient; love is kind; love does not envy or boast; love is not arrogant or rude. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.’¹⁸ Holy crap on a communion cracker! After hearing that, it’s no wonder some guys grow up to be pussies!
“Finally, we’ll tear Jesus out of the coloring books used in Vacation Bible School. Such as the cartoons of Jesus with kids gathered ‘round him, where he says ‘Let the little children come unto me, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them.’¹⁹ Those Jesus pictures gotta go. Because let’s face it: Jesus is a groomer; he grooms kids to be woke.”
[1]: “DeSagging: Florida governor drops in POLITICO rankings”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/2023/08/26/desantis-drops-ramaswamy-rises-in-polls-00113076
[2]: “What We Know About the DeSantis-Disney Dispute”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/article/disney-florida-desantis.html
[3]: Matthew 5:3, 5 and 6, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Matthew-Chapter-5/
[4]: Matthew 5:39, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Matthew-5-39/
[5]: Matthew 5:28, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Matthew-5-28/
[6]: “DeSantis vs. Disney showdown bolsters Florida governor’s standing in GOP”, CNN, https://www.cnn.com/2022/03/20/politics/desantis-disney-florida-lgbtq-dont-say-gay-bill/index.html
[7]: John 13:34, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/John-13-34/
[8]: “What is diversity, equity, and inclusion?”, McKinsey & Company, https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/mckinsey-explainers/what-is-diversity-equity-and-inclusion).
[9]: 1st Corinthians 14:26, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/1-Corinthians-14-26/
[10]: “What Were the Professions of the Twelve Apostles?”, The Classroom, https://www.theclassroom.com/what-were-the-professions-of-the-twelve-apostles-12083577.html
[11]: Colossians 3:11, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Colossians-3-11/
[12]: “What did Jesus wear?”, The Conversation, https://theconversation.com/what-did-jesus-wear-90783
[13]: Chiton (robe), Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiton_(garment)
[14]: “The Story of The Carhartt Brand”, Working Person, https://workingperson.me/the-story-of-the-carhartt-brand/
[15]: Matthew 14:14–21, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Matthew-Chapter-14/
[16]: “Makers, takers, and Mitt Romney’s 47 percent comment”, Deseret News, https://www.deseret.com/2012/9/19/20506887/makers-takers-and-mitt-romney-s-47-percent-comment
[17]: Galatians 5:22–23, King James Bible Online, https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Galatians-Chapter-5/)
[18]: 1st Corinthians 13:4–8, English Standard Version, The Bible Gateway, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1 Corinthians 13&version=ESV
[19]: Matthew 19:14, New International Version, Bible Gateway, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew 19:14&version=NIV
