SATIRE, ENTERTAINMENT, STOCKS
Disney To Quarantine Avengers Actors in CGI “Bubble”
FINANCE: Disney (DIS) down 3.1%
Disney shocked — and rejuvenated — investors this morning during their earnings call, when they announced that the entire cast and crew of the Marvel Cinematic Universe have had their consciousnesses digitally scanned into Pixar’s powerful supercomputers to keep them free from coronavirus.
“It’s the future of quarantine. All digital. We have the computing power. Why not err on the side of caution?” Disney CEO Bob Chapek told investors, before announcing 17 new Marvel Cinematic Universe movies that will be released one year apart on Disney+. The Mouse House has apparently been developing the technology to digitally scan human consciousnesses in step with James Cameron’s ongoing efforts to successfully copulate with a CGI mammal — a lifelong dream of his.
“A human consciousness weighs around 14 terabytes, which isn’t a ton of data in today’s day and age. We can store these actors for years if need be.”
Cameron went on to describe his efforts as groundbreaking, opening up the real possibility of cartoon-human hybrid children “with unspeakable powers.”
Bob Chapek quietly exited the room, and told us in the hallway that, “We’re ready to move forward with our all digital environments and all digital characters. Here at Disney, we adapt for the future! Coronavirus-free! New episodes of The Mandalorian October 30!”
Representatives of three Marvel actors told us that the wording of the MCU contracts was “troublesome,” “tantamount to eternal slavery in a digital dungeon,” and “Black Mirror-esque.”
When asked to clarify, the agents told us they would be fighting this interpretation of the contract tooth and nail. “It ain’t over till it gets written on the internet.”
After the earnings call, Disney’s stock fell to $126.59 (down $4.13, or 3.1%).
