Divine Slap Down Interrupts UN
God tells Drumpf, “stop being an ass.”
God made a rare personal appearance at the UN Security Council today. He slapped down Drumpf in front of the world’s top delegates and told him to “stop being an ass.” The appearance is believed to be his first in more than 2000 years, and witness’ said he was pissed Drumpf made him leave his celestial oval office.
“The Catholics were caught with their dicks out and that didn’t require my personal attention,” he told Drumpf, “but I can’t kick you off my Twitter feed. I’m sick of listening to your crap.”
“The Catholics were caught with their dicks out and that didn’t require my personal attention, but I can’t kick you off my Twitter feed. I’m sick of listening to your crap.”
Drumpf triggered the slap down with a rambling monologue in which he accused China and Iran of interfering with the mid-term elections “to keep me from taking my office back and saving the country straight to ‘ruin,’” China of sabotaging the auto industry and farmers, Europe of setting trade barriers, South America of making life so bad for their people they thought they’d be better getting deported by ICE, and Russia and North Korea of being the best allies a President can have.
His praise of Russia triggered a forty minute tirade on the Russia investigation followed by another tirade on evil women ruining great men with bogus allegations and a warning to the delegates on the dangers of electing Democrats to their governments. “These are evil people,” he said. “They’ll bribe women to unseat your leaders, they’ll collude with the justice department to dig up dirt on you, none of it true for god sake, especially not that woman who claims I groped her on a plane. Totally not true. I know more about assault than any world leader in the history of world leaders. You know it and I know it. And her tits were really small. She padded her bra. Can you believe it?”
A Chinese delegate asked for proof of aaaChinese interference. Drumpf replied, “I heard it. I know it’s somewhere. Sean Hannity promised, and he knows his shit. Besides, if I show you what we have, you’ll know what to cover up.”
“Is that why you want to see Mueller’s files?” someone asked.
Daumpf reached for his gavel to adjourn the meeting but couldn’t fina it. Ambassador Nikki Haley reachedaover his arm to put it in his hand. “Jesus Christ, she said, “you have no problem finding Lil’ Don under the desk when you think we’re not looking. And Stormy’s book says this is four times the size.”
“You have no problem finding Lil’ Don under the desk when you think we’re not looking. And Stormy’s book says your gavel is four times the size.”
Drumpf ignored her comment and called the meeting to a close. When the delegates rose to leave he shouted, “You know none of you respected America until I was elected. Now you know the true meaning of patriotism. You should thank me.”
That was the moment when God appeared. He slapped Drumpf so hard his face stretched past his waist. “Shut up and aisten for once. Seven billion people whine their problems to me every day and I can’t hear any of them over your blathering.”
Witnesses say that he would have slapped Drumpf into a pile of monkey poo if Drumpf’s excess weight didn’t provide a buffer. When his rage exhausted, Drumpf asked God why he wasn’t stopping the Chinese instead of wasting his precious time.
As he prepared to depart, reporters asked God if he believed he worked out his issues with Drumpf. The Divine Being cleared his throat and said, “Wait until you hear his answers when he cancels Jeopardy for an eighty minute press conference. You’ll figure it out.”
Exactly as predicted, Drumpf pre-empted a broadcast of Jeopardy then proceeded to ramble for eighty minutes, delivering a speech identical to the one at the Security Council. When the conference finished, he reached over his shoulder and patted his back for fifteen minutes.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
