Doctor on call
A few days ago, my worst nightmare came true in the form of a plonk. It was unlike any other plonk I had heard before, so I turned around to check what had caused it. I found, to my utter dismay, that I had dropped my cell phone inside a public toilet. It was in that moment of smelly panic that I realised how poorly documented cell phone maladies and their cures are, and I vowed to remedy it as soon as I’d finished cleaning my phone and myself with detergent.
Malady: Phone that has been dropped in water
Medical Procedure: Cell Phone Resuscitation (CPR)
The moment you realise your phone is drowning, drop everything else you’re doing and take the phone out of water. As soon as you’ve completed the task, check the phone for signs of life — Can you unlock the screen? Can you speed dial your manager? If the answer to the second question is yes, forget about your phone and change your job. If the phone is unresponsive, give it five initial rescue breaths (you may want to skip this step if you dropped your phone in a public toilet like I did) before starting CPR. Carry out compressions of the battery at one hundred beats per minute, while you sing “Stayin’ Alive” in complete earnestness. If the phone does not splutter back to life, sweep your fingers around all sockets to remove any water droplets. To open the airway, use the jaw-jut technique by placing the fingers of both your hands at the phone’s ends and pushing the cover out. Blow hard or better still, get a hair dryer to do the job for you. If all this seems difficult, sing “Another one bites the dust” in your happiest voice.
Malady: Phone that does random things on its own
Medical Procedure: Exorcise Electronic Ghost (EEG)
Keep an eye out for paranormal behaviour in your phone. If it randomly makes calls to people, plays songs on its own, opens and closes browser windows of its own volition, switches on and off on its own — then it’s time to perform the EEG. Plug in the charging unit and the data cable. Connect the phone to your laptop, and monitor the electrical signals produced. If you see paranormal spikes in the signal, firmly ask the spirit to leave, avoiding anger and fear. The reason to avoid fear and anger is two-fold: it both keeps your calm and prevents the spirit from deciding you’re a threat to its safety. Repeat the following Latin rite — “Ecce crucis signum, in phone relinquo” (Behold the emblem of the cross, let go of this phone). Most spirits are simply lost, confused, or still clinging to an electronic life, and will leave when asked. If you are dealing with an especially resilient spirit, drop your phone into holy water and sing “Another one bites the dust”
Malady: I’ve got a shiny new phone
Medical Procedure: Break or Chip Glass (BCG) vaccine
If a man unlocks his phone by kissing the screen and gives it to a woman by giving her a peck on the cheek, either the phone’s new or the woman’s new. I don’t think medical science has advanced so far as to cure the malady of new love, but the perfect antidote to a new phone is administering the BCG vaccine. A Sub-vitreous injection in the form of a little chip or crack administers the vaccine into the layer below the glass and the first crack is all it takes to cure the phone of its newness.
Malady: Swapped identical phone
Medical Procedure: Don’t kNow Anyone (DNA) test
You’re out with your friends and you’ve had such a good time that you’ve hardly picked up your phone all evening. When the time comes for you to leave, you pick up your phone that’s been lying on the table and head to your car. The phone somehow doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t fit into your hands perfectly, it doesn’t have your swagger, and you suddenly wonder whether that one evening of passion has had undesired consequences. With great trepidation, you think, “Is this not my phone?” The test that is proven to be a 100% accurate in situations such as these is the DNA test. You go through the contact list in the phone, only to have your worst fears confirmed. You confront your fears, head back to the party and sing “How deep is your love” and hope the owner of the swapped phone loves it enough to accept it’s his.
Malady: Heated up phone
Medical Procedure: Cajole Battery Constantly (CBC)
When your phone seems hot to the touch, refuses to ring, and remains silent for a long time, it’s time to carry out the CBC test. First, evaluate the overall health and detect possible disorders. Then find out ways to appease the battery. Will giving it some rest while you use your back up phone help? Will buying it a shiny new heat absorbing case make it better? Will whispering sweet nothings into the socket let it blow some steam off? You know your plan has worked when you hear the phone ringing loud to the song “Some like it hot”
Malady: Crack in the screen
Medical Procedure: eXplore Recreating A Yun Shouping (X Rays)
Do not panic when you drop your phone and see the glass develop a thousand cracks. A cracked phone is one that radiates artistic beauty. Check the phone under visible light, under ultraviolet light, and under infrared light to see which one makes it look the prettiest. Find a nice frame, pin it on your wall and voila! You have a painting by one of the masters of the Qing period.
I had a Mateless Resonance Imaging (MRI) scan the other day because I seemed edgy and incoherent. The doctor proclaimed I seemed like I was grieving a lost mate. I told him about the phone I’d lost two weeks ago. The last thing I heard before I blacked out was The Smiths’ “Girlfriend in a coma” playing on the background.
