Dog Person

Sarah Totton
The Haven
Published in
3 min readJun 28, 2020


Photo by Sebastian Coman Travel at Unsplash

Hello, officer.

Describe the flasher? Well, he had a dog. A neutered male, sporting, if I’m not mistaken, a pair of Neuticles.

He looked like a border-border — a border collie/border terrier cross, with maybe just a hint, of Dandie Dinmont terrier. You could see it in his face — a touch of cheekiness.

He was a little roached in the back, and he had an overgrown toenail, right front paw, middle digit. That nail was black — the rest were white. You know it’s harder to clip black toenails because you can’t see the quick.

His face was black and he had big white markings on his forehead, like Santa’s eyebrows, and his muzzle was all white like he’d dipped it in a bowl of milk. His coat was a little puffy. My guess is, he’d been recently washed with Spectacular Wire Coat® for Terrier Breeds. You know — the one without the conditioner, leaving the hair with just the right amount of crispness — like Oprah Winfrey’s duvet.

Oh, and his tail! Yeah, that fringe was long. There was a definite plume.

Ears: flopped, but I spotted a tattoo in the left one: AA572.

He had a tag on his collar that said “Gizmo”. And next to that tag — I’d swear it was a key fob in the shape of a miniature Nylabone. You can imagine my astonishment. I’d heard of those before, but I’d never actually seen one in the flesh, so to speak. You can’t buy miniature Nylabone key fobs anywhere. I know. I’ve looked. The only way to get one, as far as I can tell, is to be given one by a Nylabone sales rep as a promotional item.

But, back to Gizmo. There was some tartar build-up on his teeth — they should probably be scaled soon. There was also some wear on the upper canines — probably from playing flyball. In fact, given his short stature, I’d assume Gizmo is the height dog on his flyball team.

His bark was in the key of C major, but his whine was in the key of D minor.

What did the flasher look like? He had a raincoat on. There was dog hair on it. Most of it was black and white, but when he opened that coat, I could see more hairs on the inside, and some of those hairs were red. Which means that that hair couldn’t have come from Gizmo. There had to be another dog. An Irish setter? Maybe even a Red Australian Kelpie. There was that ebullient magenta glow to those hairs, you know? They were the kind of hairs you write home about. But the real question is, if there was another dog, where was it?

What did the flasher look like? Oh, I dunno. I think he was white.

If you find him, ask him where he got that Nylabone key fob.



Sarah Totton
The Haven

Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.