Don Jr. Adds Safety Measures to Gun Rally

They don’t need to buy guns when we give them away

Hoping to set the tone for the gun debate being forced on Congress by Stoneman Douglas shooting survivors, the President dispatched his most important gun safety ambassador to meet the crowds. Thousands upon thousands turned out for “March for Our Lives” rallies in D.C and cities across the world. POTUS sent forth Don Jr., who once promoted silencers for children to make it “easier to get in the game.”

Surprisingly, the President was smart enough to send his son to greet a gun-toting mob marching for their guns in Helena, Montana. “Jesus wrote the second amendment, and we’re marching for our savior,” sixteen-year-old Will E. Yanker said to reporters. Will writes stories online about oppressed white students who serve God’s wrath upon secular students and teachers with his arsenal of “14 AK-47s, 20 HKs, a Glock in his waist band, and thousands of rounds of ammunition.”

As usual, Don, Jr., doesn’t follow Dad’s plans

The Helena marchers would have been the perfect audience for Trump Jr., referred to by White House staff as “Thing 1” and “Mini-T.” The budding young politician-to-be thought better of the plan. He ordered the limo to drive him to the March for Life on the White House (less than a block for his office), where he passed out free hand guns to the marchers courtesy of the NRA.

“God loves you, Dad loves you, and I do too. The Peace of the Pistol be with you,” he told marchers as he tried, in vain, to arm them. When they wouldn’t take his gift he said, “Don’t worry. These are gifts. You don’t need tougher regulations if I give them to you.”[1]

“God loves you, Dad loves you, and I do too. The Peace of the Pistol be with you,” Trump Jr. told marchers as he tried, in vain, to arm them.

“Are you m**ther f**king crazy?” asked the mother of Shane Slaughtered, killed by an armed gunman who shot twelve people who stood in line at a McDonalds in Red Flag, Kansas. “No,” he answered. “I’m your 46th President. Daddy promised.”

At one point he climbed on the stage and wrestled the mike from Miley Cyrus, pausing to tell her, “I have naked pictures of you on my iPhone.” Cyrus fought the mike back and said, “Daddy was right. Shake my tits in public and I only draw the creeps.”

At one point Trump Jr. climbed on the stage and wrestled the mike from Miley Cyrus, pausing to tell her, “I have naked pictures of you on my iPhone.”

Rally escalates to DefCon 1

Thing 1 brought the rally to the brink of closure when his Secret Service protection squad drew down on Metro Police who drew on Thing 1 after he drew on them when they responded to multiple complaints that he was disrupting the march. More than a hundred survivors of school, mall and church shootings dropped to their stomachs, fearing the confrontation would go badly for them.

POTUS, who heard only the Twitter version that armed men were threatening Don Jr, deployed Marines without consulting the Pentagon. The Pentagon, who only knew armed combatants swarmed the rally, dispatched an additional unit of Marines to fight them. Stoneman Douglas students pleaded for a stand-down from the stage, and mothers who lost children pacified the commanding officers. Without their intervention, another blood bath might have occurred.

When the situation calmed, the Secret Service persuaded Mini-T to hand out his business card instead of guns, and the President Tweeted, “The armed stand-off at the so-called peaceful march for lives proves that the only way to stop gun violence is an armed populace, just like Jefferson and Washington wanted.”

“The armed stand-off at the so-called peaceful march for lives proves that the only way to stop gun violence is an armed populace, just like Jefferson and Washington wanted.”

POTUS Tweets so many factually incorrect statements so often that no one had any energy left to issue corrections. FOX News led with the story.

[1]: Experts on gun laws find the claim dubious.