Don Jr. Opens “Guns-R-Kids” Online Shop

”Get ’em in the game early and they’ll never get out”

It started last year, after he speculated that silencers make great Christmas presents because they “help get little kids into the (gun) game.” His plan picked up steam recently when comedian Sasha Baron Cohen duped millionaires into endorsing a “guns for tots” campaign. And the millionaires continued their endorsements once they learned the truth.

But Don Drumpf, Jr.., really jumped on his business plan when his wife Vanessa dumped him, and his lawyer informed him he never signed the pre-nup. Even more humiliating? Vanessa was worth more than him because she can create a business, and he can’t touch a dime of her money.

He hopes all that will end this weekend with the grand opening of “Guns-R-Kids,” his nationwide chain of gun shops for “budding young hunters, shooters, and kids ready to graduate from video,” Drumpf Jr. told reporters on the evening before the big show. “Get ’em in the game early and they’ll never get out.”

He spoke from the back of his Ford Pinto, which is the only car (and house) that he can afford since the divorce. He wore the bright red felt Mini-T outfit he will use to promote the franchise.

Was he too proud to ask his father for help?” one reporter asked.

“Like all good fathers, he told me I need to sleep in the bed I shit in. What an inspiration. It got me off my ass, and look where I am now.”

Was he too proud to ask his father for help? one reporter asked. “Like all good fathers, he told me I need to sleep in the bed I shit in. What an inspiration. It got me off my ass, and look where I am now.”

Where he is is a nationwide chain financed with money “from sources I met during my father’s campaign. Ones I’ve been told by my father to never mention because it might paint a witch hunt target on my back. So mum’s the word about Russia, if you know what I mean. But the terms were great. I gave them some old files from my father’s office and I don’t owe a cent.”

This 47 Kalashnikov with cuddly bear saved a child from barrel burns on his fingers during focus testing.

Which may be a good thing. Unlike many starting entrepreneurs, Drumpf didn’t launch a flagship store to test the waters. He opened 350 stores, many of them in cities like Chicago with strict regulations on gun sales.

“That’s been a problem,” Drumpf Jr. admitted, telling everyone to call him “Donnie J.” “But I hired my dad’s lawyer, Michael Cohen, to handle it for me until the profits roll in.”

The chain is financed with money “from sources I met during my father’s campaign. Ones I’ve been told by my father to never mention because it might paint a witch hunt target on my back. So mum’s the word about Russia, if you know what I mean. But the terms were great. I gave them some old files from my father’s office and I don’t owe a cent.”

He opened his hatch to preview some of the of his “kid-friendly” products. “Every gun comes with a silencer, to make shooting safer and silenter. This will make it easier for kids to cope with the recoil and noise. Kids under six get their choice of two dozen plushy dolls to strap to the barrel. It helps them cuddle their guns at night and keep their fingers from burning on a hot barrel.”

Drumpf Jr. believes he will be a major player like his father after a few months of robust sales. Financial experts aren’t as sure. The stock hasn’t sold a share since it was released to the public last March.

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Photo Credits:

Gage Skidmore, Woodywonderworks and Tatiana1890.