Donald Trump Concedes Defeat — “Maybe the Real Stolen Election Was the Friends We Made Along the Way”

“Well guys,” said Donald Trump, looking around the table, a hint of a tear forming in his eye, “I think it’s over.”

At approximately 12:04 PM today, former US president Donald J. Trump made a surprising concession, publicly realizing that the 2020 election was, in fact, not stolen.

Classy in victory, humble in defeat, Donald decided to hold a press conference with a few of his closest acquaintances from the safety of his humble Palm Beach abode.

“We gave ’em a good fight. We really did,” said Trump, reaching to his left to pat Rudy Giuliani, who was also teary-eyed, on the shoulder. Across the table, on a zoom call, Kim Jong-Un blew his nose.

The room was silent for a while.

“You know what?” said Donald, looking around the room, which also included Jared Kushner and a crude effigy of Sacha Baron Cohen that had a dartboard placed on its heart, “Let Biden have the presidency. Over these past 10 months I’ve learned far more than I ever could have thought. Not just about politics, but about the real things. Friendship. Accountability. Sharing. Things you can’t learn on the campaign trail, things that you can only learn in the company of true friends.”

“Maybe it wasn’t about the number of votes, or the swing states, or even the popular vote. It was about us. It was about bonding together with some of the best friends a guy could ever ask for.”

“F*ck the election. I have everything I need right here.” He leaned back and looked around the room again. The tears were flowing freely now. Rudy was sobbing. Jared Kushner had shed a single tear, the one expression of emotion he allowed himself per year. Kim’s camera was turned off.

Trump, Giuulani, and Kushner all stood up and converged in a teary eyed, sorrowful, embrace that went on for all of five minutes.

“I just love you guys so much!” sobbed Trump, looking up at the ceiling before being comforted by a robotic yet well meaning pat on the back from Kushner.

After the conference had ended, the trio returned to throwing darts at the Sacha Baron Cohen effigy for the next three hours.

Originally published at http://jacksonhellerwork.wordpress.com on October 17, 2021.