Fakier than Thou.
ANCIENT BONES CONFIRM EARLIEST HUMAN ANCESTOR WAS A FACT-RESISTANT BACTERIA. St. Louis — Old bones excavated in an archaeological dig beneath the Missouri Legislature revealed that the skull of a newly-discovered species of human, Misanthropus misogynii, contained traces of a brain made from 97 percent fact-resistant bacteria. “This,” said an unidentified scientist who held up the skull for news cameras, “was one dim mofo.” There is outrage in the Missouri Legislature. After their success with books and reproductive rights, they are now considering banning entire species.
130-FOOT SUPERYACHT SINKS IN BUCKET OF BILLIONAIRE TEARS. Sicily — Ten miles off the Italian coast, a $500-million dollar yacht finally attained its dream of becoming a submarine. The owner, Oleg Garch, was too upset to give a statement. His publicist said by email, “A GoFundMe page is being set up to help Mr. Garch and other superyacht owners, to support the heartbreaking business of end-stage capitalism.”
BOOK BANNING TO ACCELERATE IN IDAHO. Bonners Ferry — A group of residents is trying to pre-emptively ban hundreds of books from the town’s library, as soon as they can learn to read.
DECISION ON STUDENT DEBT RELIEF ANNOUNCED. Washington DC — This is the fourth announcement on announcing the federal government’s already-announced decision to decide on whether a decision on student debt relief should be announced. Whether debt relief is warranted or not is another matter for further announcements. Once the decision to decide is announced, the decision to proceed will follow, followed by an announcement on a decision about who qualifies. Once it’s decided who qualifies, the Supreme Court will deliver their smackdown. Today’s students will be able to claim their relief checks, along with Medicare benefits, in five decades.
NUCLEAR DOCUMENTS BOMBSHELL. Mar-A-Gulago — Former President Trump has finally disclosed the reasons for taking top secret files of nuclear information to his Florida home. Under questioning, he admitted he wanted to be the first to share with his best friend, Kim Jong Healthy, the recipe for his favorite yellowcake with chocolate frosting, and also how to make heavy water for more luxurious showering.
JUDGE ASKS TRUMP TO EXPLAIN WHY HE WANTS A SPECIAL MASTER WHEN BONDAGE GOALS ARE UNCLEAR. Mar-A-Gulago — A federal judge in Florida has given former president Trump until Friday to explain why he needs a Special Master and not Florida Man. The extra cost of hiring a Special Master to ‘tie up loose ends’ could cause a shortage of funding for cages and chains among certain Republicans who are already far too excited about whips, leather and wrinkle creams.
FIVE TAKEAWAYS FROM THE PRIMARY ELECTIONS. Washington DC — An empty carton of Moo Shu pork, a half-eaten Big Mac, two fortune cookies and a stale Dunkin donut. These takeaways will form the basis for public policy by the MAGAnarchy Party.
COVID INCUBATION PERIODS ARE GETTING SHORTER, SCIENTISTS SAY. Bethesda — Independent research confirms that it is now possible to get Covid even before you become infected. “You can get it merely by thinking about it,” said an anarcheologist at the National Institute of Crop Circles.
Karen L. Sullivan writes humor in between more serious projects. Her work is published in The Belladonna, The Haven, Rainshadow Journal, Stonecoast Review, and several sailing magazines. Twitter: @karenlsullivan9.