Don’t Call Me a Hero. No, I’m just an MPAA Movie Rater.
I see pee-pees so you don’t have to.
Whenever you see a PG, PG-13, or even the dreaded R rating, there was someone like me, an MPAA Movie Rater, who had to watch the entire film and give it that rating. Just a mild-mannered, god-fearing civil servant doing his duty to protect the masses from the atrocious onslaught of nudity… and on incredibly rare occasions, gore and violence, but like, only if it’s super, super bad. Think Saw levels of violence.
It’s tough, thankless work. I never know when in the line of duty I might come across a flopping weiner or a voluptuous pair of bare breasts. How uncouth?! Even as I write the words, I shudder at the idea. It makes me sick to think that some innocent little child, only 16-years-old, might be exposed to the animalistic depravity of human sexuality. What sick and twisted things might they grow up and think? I don’t even dare to imagine!
It’s why I have taken the sacred oath of an MPAA Movie Rater. I must protect those innocent beautiful babies from the horrors that the sickos in Hollywood want to corrupt them with. I mean fornication? Women enjoying sex?! Or even…a woman’s private parts?!?!
Where do we draw the line? These youngsters might get the horrid impression that sex happens more than twice a year in missionary position with minimal eye contact and an extra helping of guilt. Just like our Puritan Founding Fathers intended… well except for Benjamin Franklin, the deviant rapscallion.
Some have lovingly called me the Aunt Lydia of movie ratings. I don’t quite understand the reference but I think it refers to a beloved character on the utopian show Handmaid’s Tale. A woman who stands proudly against the immorality of the world and speaks the truth. And my truth is that wee-wees and hoo-has are naughty and we must shield our children from viewing them.
But who knows, maybe I’m wrong? Maybe we shouldn’t shun the love between a man and a woman?
Trick question! No, the only content the youth should see regularly on-screen involves death and violence — as long as they don’t use naughty curse words in the process, of course. Violence, murder, and torture are all an unfortunate but integral part of human nature. It can be challenging, but it’s important that kids be exposed to it at all ages.
I will not yield. I will not give in. I’ll continue to fulfill my duty, whatever the cost.
