Dream Blunt Rotation
A common yet vital thought experiment
I went back and forth on whether to write this. Sharing one’s “Dream” or “Nightmare” smoking rotation is “a little hacky” as my friend Noah told me. He’s right, but luckily for you all, I am nowhere near as pretentious as he is. My intellect can only be stretched so far. And while it may not be an original prompt, I think that the people, creatures, and things I have assembled in this smoking circle will keep things engaging — or dare I say, lit?
Most people’s “Dream” blunt rotation consists of people with the best vibes or celebrities who seem like they would be fun. Snoop Dogg, Seth Rogan, Cheech & Chong and other famous stoners are staples on lists, but that’s boring. These folks smoke so much that they don’t become noticeably high. I would just start geeking while they judge me stone cold sober. I can’t be the highest of the group.
I’m more interested in smoking with people who perhaps don’t smoke, and might get high off second-hand inhalation. That would make things much more interesting. With that in mind, here’s my list.
Trixie
Who is Trixie? I’m offended you need to ask… She’s an animatronic bear from the Disney World musical sensation, The Country Bear Jamboree.
Trixie is the type of woman I need in my life right now. She’s toxic, a heavy drinker, and foxy as hell.
The truth is, I’vealways had a strange fascination with audio animatronics. This is one of my interests that I rarely mention. I’ve learned most people, especially females at parties, don’t have any interest in hearing about the history of Big Al’s endoskeleton.
Being in the company of a robotic creature smoking a blunt would be both frightening and oddly comforting. Comforting because Trixie, as lifelike as she may seem, is nothing more than an amalgamation of screws, oil, and machinery. She has no soul, no consciousness; therefore, she would never be weirded out by me during the circle. When I pass her the blunt all soggy from my saliva, she’ll have no way of judging or even noticing. If only the rest of my friends were as easy to get along with as her.
A Goomba
I find myself commiserating with Goombas.
These brown little pieces of shit put their lives on the line for Bowser’s pursuit of some pussy. Their inevitable death comes via a plus-sized Italian stomping on them. A very sad way to go out indeed.
Goombas deserve to experience a wood during their lifetime. Because they don’t have arms, just two stubby feet, someone would have to feed the blunt to him akin to how a child is given a pacifier. Consider this pick an act of goodwill on my part.
Plus, I wouldn’t mind having some duller, more simple minded members in the rotation. With Fentanyl being so common these days, I’d have the Goomba take a few puffs to see if the pack is deadly or not.
Marianne Williamson
The kooky presidential candidate gets an invite to the sesh.
Yes, Marianne, the author, politician, and founder of “The Church of Today” won my heart over during the 2020 DNC debates.
She’s full of quotables, but my personal favorite is when she shared what her first move would be if elected:
“My first call is to the PrimeMminister of New Zealand, who said that her goal is to make New Zealand the place where it’s the best place in the world for a child to grow up, and I would tell her, girlfriend, you are so wrong, because the United States of America is going to be the best place in the world for a child to grow up.”
She seems to be a hippie, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s a frequent smoker. My main concern is that she would start tweaking and blabbering about Avatar.
Jesus Christ
I mean holy shit, seeing Jesus Christ himself puffing on a spliff would be fucking insane.
At first I wasn’t sure if I should send Mr. Christ an invite to the rotation. I typically am the most charismatic, attractive, and witty person in whatever setting I am in. Am I setting myself up to look like a chump when I’m sitting next to the son of God? Possibly, but having Jesus slide into my smoke sesh would be such a flex that it’s a risk I am willing to take.
Hopefully I’ll get on J money’s good side by smoking him out. I’ve done some questionable things in the past, and I don’t think I’ll make it to the pearly gates through the traditional route. Unfortunately I was born long after the days of paying for an indulgence (what a concept!), so a personal gift to the big man himself could be my last shot of everlasting paradise.
Honorable Mentions: Joan of Arc, Leslie Knope, Micheal Scott, Jonah Ryan, Barack Obama, Sarah Palin, Waluigi, Santa Claus, Borat. (DM me if you want to hear more about any of these choices, especially Waluigi.)
Final Thoughts
I’ve clearly crafted an interesting circle. Would everyone get along? Who knows. I could see Marianne and Trixie hitting it off. Maybe they would run together as a ticket.
After we smoke, I’d love to watch Jesus walk on water or make some bread from a limb in case we have the munchies.
Regardless, I feel confident that I’d be in for an unforgettable experience.
Who’s your dream blunt rotation? I’m available.
