During a nuclear attack the White House will be destroyed, but Drumpf will emerge unscathed. (Gage Skidmore)

Drumpf Bails on INF

”Time we put those weapons to good use”

Drumpf announced that he’s pulling out of the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty because, “Russia cheated.” When asked why he would finally part over technical violations after ignoring everything else Russia does, he said, “This is a stupid treaty. Stupider than NAFTA. We wouldn’t have the treaty at all if it weren’t for the Democrats who are scared to say ‘boo’ in the dark.”

“Reagan signed the treaty,” AP’s Zeke Miller reminded him.

“Only cause the Democrats made him. Otherwise he’d’a never done anything so monumentally stupid. And it was stupid. We have an arsenal full of super good weapons that could wipe the bad guys off the Chinese continent. Instead we keep them locked up in silos where they don’t do anybody any good. That’s not how business works. Nukes are like real estate. You use them or sell them for profit, you don’t leave them sitting around to depreciate. That’s a tax term that means lose value, and every minute those nukes sit around unsold or unused, we lose money.”

“Are you suggesting America should sell nukes like we sell tanks?” an astonished Jonathan Karl asked for ABC.

“There are plenty of trustworthy allies put at risk by Iran’s formidable nuclear arsenal,” Drumpf replied. “Why the hell shouldn’t they be able to defend themselves against middle eastern terrorists? The Saudis. They’ve done a lot for this country and are our biggest allies after Russia and North Korea. It’s time we sold them those weapons and put them to good use.”

Nukes are like real estate. You use them or sell them for profit, you don’t leave them sitting around to depreciate.

New York Times’ Michael Shearer asked, “Don’t you think North Korea might be more reluctant to sign an accord knowing you’re so quick to ditch your obligations?”

“We don’t have an accord with Kim, we have a gentleman’s agreement, which is a lot better because they’re bound by it and we’re not. If you were in business instead of Fake News, you’d know that.”

“And Russia?” Shearer followed up.

“This guy’s lucky he’s a guy,” Trump said. “If he was a woman, I wouldn’t even bother to answer because everyone would know it was just a trick to bring up the Kavanaugh hearings, which we won by the way. Beat the Democrats at their girly shame game. Anything I do is fine with Vlad. I have his carter blanket on all my decisions. Besides, he doesn’t like the treaty any more than I do, which is why he cheats so much.”

“We don’t have an accord with Kim, we have a gentleman’s agreement, which is a lot better because they’re bound by it and we’re not. If you were in business instead of Fake News, you’d know that.”

SyriusXM’s Olivier Knox challenged, “You’re not afraid this could lead to a nuclear confrontation with Russia?”

Nuclear confrontation welcomed

Drumpf poo-pooed him with a wave of the hand. “Let ’em. It’ll do the country some good. The first place they’ll nuke is Washington, and it could use a good cleaning out. Look at the White House, it’s a dump. When the nukes clean out this swamp, we can build a better one. In the meantime, we make more nukes and reduce the deficit.”

Blake Burman of the Fox Business Network jumped in. “How can we reduce the deficit by producing more nukes when you’ve slashed our revenue streams?”

A sample ICBM envisioned under Drumpf’s ‘honorary scale’ scheme (USAF)

“Do I have to spell it out?” Drumpf shouted. “We sell them. For instance, how many patriotic Americans would love to own their own nuclear missile. Not in their backyard, of course, but honorary ownership. A couple could buy a nuke for twenty thousand, and we put their names on it. We add their kids for five grand apiece. Tax deductible, of course. We wipe out the deficit and defend the country from middle eastern terrorists hiding in caravans to destroy our country.”

“An ICBM costs a lot more than that,” Burman pressed. “I think the figure is $400 million.”

How many patriotic Americans would love to own their own nuclear missile? A couple could buy a nuke for twenty thousand, and we put their names on it. We add their kids for five grand apiece. Tax deductible, of course.

Math verses business math

Drumpf’s face changed from bright orange to maraschino cherry red. He repeated “Fake News,” while pointing his finger at Burman. When he tired of the meme, he said, “I’ll have to talk to your bosses. You should know better. And you should also know business math, which you clearly don’t. We sell a $400 million missile for 20 thousand and write off the difference as a business expense, saving the taxpayers $320 million and pumping trillions of dollars into jobs and the economy. That’s worth the tiny little amount of residual radiation from a nuclear war. I should know. I’ve run the studies in my head.”

After the announcement, Vladimir Putin told reporters they would learn of Drumpf’s withdrawal as soon as he sent word through John Bolton. “He’ll catch us completely by surprise.” Then he laughed.

“So predictable. We wanted out of INF for years, but international community would blame us. Drumpf needs to punish us for something to take heat off his ass, so he undoes the one thing we want undone. Then he gets blame, not us. This President is God’s gift to Russia. And China. Four more years and there will be no US to put yoke on neck. Too bad Americans are too soft for labor camps. We’ll probably just use you for food.”

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Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.