Drumpf Broadens Vision
After being rebuffed at home and abroad for his attempts to buy Greenland, Drumpf has finally accepted the fact that Greenland is not for sale. Today he set his sights higher and instructed his staff to begin the process of acquiring Europe.
“Nobody wants Europe anymore,” Drumpf Tweeted this morning. “Too many immigrants, and they told Britain to take a hike. Need to buy it before the ONE GOOD COUNTRIES GONE.” He called his staff in from their weekend off to begin the process of buying the continent.
When asked if Drumpf has specific plans for Europe, B.G. Kizzazz, Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney’s assistant deputy, told The Haven, “You know as well as I do that the President acts on his gut. A plan would only interfere with his ability to reverse course, contradict himself, or keep people in suspense over a decision everyone knows he made months ago.”
Drumpf plans to have Europe’s management turned over to the Drumpf Organization. Drumpf Tweeted later in the day, without naming his organization specifically, “Europe’s in such terrible shape, only a business can whip it back in line. Who better than an organization with a long history of fiscal responsibility and business success?”
“You know as well as I do that the President acts on his gut. A plan would only interfere with his ability to reverse course, contradict himself, or keep people in suspense over a decision everyone knows he made months ago.”
When asked who would receive the profits from managing Europe, Kizzazz replied, “That hasn’t been decided, but Drumpf made it clear that the business that does the work should take the lion’s share of profit. For him that means all of it.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called the purchase “the most insane and ridiculous idea I’ve heard in two years of listening to insane and ridiculous ideas. I would add ‘harebrained’ but we know he doesn’t have any hair. Or a brain for that matter.”
The Republican response, as always, has been to change the subject. “We stand by the President on his plans to make America great,” Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters. “We haven’t expanded the union since 1959, the last year our great President Eisenhower was in office, which just shows how much the Democrats have undermined the power and influence of our wonderful country.”
The Republican response, as always, has been to change the subject.
When asked how the GOP planned to finance the purchase, given the looming deficits and threat of recession, McConnell replied, “Don’t blame us for the deficits and economy. The Democrats are responsible for that. But we should be happy that annexing Europe would expand the tax base.”
McConnell’s statement immediately raised questions as to whether Europeans would also be eligible for benefits and if the US would adopt European health care. He suggested that he didn’t foresee Europeans having a voice in government, but they would pay taxes.
“As in taxation without representation?” asked one reporter.
McConnell stepped away and refused to answer any additional questions.
“It’s not like the Congress has done Americans any favors. Every good idea Republicans have is quashed by the Democrats. As long as we have a two party system, we’d be better off turning the country over to professionals.”
After the conference, Senator Lindsey Graham suggested that Congress turn the management of the United States over to the Drumpf Organization too. “It’s not like the Congress has done Americans any favors. Every good idea Republicans have is quashed by the Democrats. As long as we have a two party system, we’d be better off turning the country over to professionals.”
White House sources indicate Drumpf is considering stepping down from a second term should his organization be licensed to run two continents. “He’ll still do the rallies,” Kizzazz suggested, “but they’ll be more like the Tonight Show. Without Colbert. Think of the new America as a better America without comedians and Fake News.”