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The Haven

Drumpf believes The First Church of Second Amendment Jesus will be a role model for future worship. (USAF)

Drumpf Calls for Armed Churches

”Would you rather pray for your life or shoot for it?”

In the wake of yet another mass shooting in a house of worship, Drumpf advocated arming guards and even arming ministers and parishioners. During a a speech for the Future Farmers of America, he asked the youth, ”Would you rather pray for your life. Or shoot for it? My gun packs a hell of a bigger wallop than my Bible.”

Glossing over the fact that he owns neither, Drumpf proceeded to claim the only defense against the incivility of the media and armed mobs of Democrats trying to push through gun control is to arm yourself before you become a victim. “If that shooter, after listening to a CNN story that enrages him, realizes he’s walking into a church filled with armed Americans instead of little choir boy pussies, maybe he’ll turn his gun on the real enemy and take them out so we can have more civility in our politics.”

“If that shooter, after listening to a CNN story that enrages him, realizes he’s walking into a church filled with armed Americans instead of little choir boy pussies, maybe he’ll turn his gun on the real enemy and take them out so we can have more civility in our politics.”

He paused to play Lee Greenwood’s song, “Proud to Be an American” for the fourth time during the session, leading the music with an imaginary baton, and then asked the attendees to “imagine an America where we’re all on the same page. No one is uncivil because we all listen to the real news, FOX, and anyone with uncivil thoughts promoted by traitorous Democrats knows we’ll shoot them dead to correct the record. Wouldn’t that be a Great America? What? You say? You kneel during the National Anthem? Pow. Pow. Pow. No more football for you sons-of-bitches. That’s what I call a civil conversation.”

Drumpf added that one church already practices arming parishioners with “tremendous success.” The First Church of Second Amendment Jesus in Irving, Texas not only permits their members to worship while armed, but gives every member a gun and an official NRA approved Bible. “No shooter has entered that church, let me tell you,” he assured the crowd. “Other than a dozen or so accidental fatalities since they opened this summer, that is the safest church in America.”

The First Church of Second Amendment Jesus in Irving, Texas not only permits their members to worship while armed, but gives every member a gun and an official NRA approved Bible.

The applause was unanimous except for a handful of black students who joined the FFA because their school offered no other extracurricular activities. They eased from their seats to the back row in case they needed to make hasty exits.

Senator Ted Cruz demonstrated the advantages of arming ice cream clerks to enforce civility. (Michael Vadon)

When challenged by reporters on his comments, Drumpf pushed back, “Of course you’re not happy with me. I’m asking you to rise above the partisan fray of incivility. Deal with facts instead of criticizing me. Like the fact I’m the best President in the history of Presidents. Instead you sling mud about how I’m the one causing violence when I advocate for universal peace and love among Republican donors. You know how I know you caused this shooting. Because it was a conservative synagogue. Conservative. That means not liberal, which is what you think of when you think of Jews, except for the rare good ones like my son-in-law.”

“Do you know anything at all about Judaism?” asked the New York Times’ Michael Shearer.

Drumpf’s face turned mandarin orange and he spit across the front row. “Who do you think brought the Jews from the Old Country? Meaning Sweden. Me. Meaning my family. The Jews wouldn’t have an Old Testament if I hadn’t made it possible for them to worship with Christians as free Americans instead of being persecuted by atheists and Democrats.”

He queued the Greenwood song again to give him time to recover from the insult. “The only solution to these shootings, this massive incivility is to arm every true American. Imagine a shooter walking into a McDonalds and realizing he’s outgunned. An ice skating rink and realizing the pretty girl figure skaters with those tight bodies and firm boobies are armed to the teeth and ready to return fire. Everywhere they go, citizens will return fire. That’ll make those fuckers civil, let me tell you.”

“The only solution to these shootings, this massive incivility is to arm every true American. Imagine a shooter walking into a McDonalds and realizing he’s outgunned. That’ll make those fuckers civil, let me tell you.”

Drumpf taps Cruz to launch “Civility Crusade”

Later in the day, Senator Ted Cruz demonstrated the benefits of arming customer service people at a Dallas ice cream parlor. He cancelled a personal campaign appearance to initiate Drumpf’s new “Civility” crusade for local news. Drumpf liked the performance so much he sent instructions to Lindsay Graham, Chuck Grassley, and a dozen other Senators to fly to their home towns for similar demonstrations.

“If I knew I was going to suck his cock, I might have held out for more,” Graham was overheard telling Grassley as they waited for their limos to collect them for the airport. Grassley allegedly replied, “You dropped to your knees the minute he took the Oath of Office. Just like the rest of us. So grab your prop gun and go be civil.”

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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