Drumpf Cheers VFW
”We going to war and you’ll get a second chance.”
Seizing on news of economic growth, Drumpf promised to drive the deficit even higher by giving veterans another chance to prove their heroism. But first they had to stop believing the news and believe only him.
“Don’t believe anything you see and hear,” he declared at a speech for the Veterans of Foreign Wars National Convention in Kansas City. “It’s a lie. The only people you can trust is me. That’s it. Even FOX gets it wrong when they question my decisions. So no matter what you think you saw or heard, you didn’t hear or see it until I say you heard it.”
He followed with a declaration on war.
“Don’t believe anything you see and hear. It’s a lie. The only people you can trust is me. Even FOX gets it wrong when they question my decisions. So no matter what you think you saw or heard, you didn’t hear or see it until I say you heard it.”
“We can finally say it,” he proudly announced. “A word we’ve never been allowed to say until this moment. A word that makes the ’n’ word, you know the word I mean, it starts with ’n’ and ends with ‘igger’ but we can’t put it together to say, ‘n**ger.’ I just did, but we’re not supposed to. And this word’s even worse, at least according to Obama’s liberal fellow travellers, probably because he’s one and he doesn’t want to hear it. Not, ’n**ger’ I mean, although he can’t dodge that bullet either, but the grand mother of bad words, ‘radical Islamic Jihadists.’ Well I’ve said it now, and so can you, because Iran is building nukes and they’re going to fire them at us.”
LP Spuckered, White House Aide later admitted the line didn’t generate the applause 45 expected. “How do we know,” he confided? “Because he riffed it, and when he riffs, he thinks he’ll bring down the house. But even the veterans weren’t ready for that.”
Whose is the best democracy on the planet?
“That” being the tirade against Iran that followed. “Once we told those towel-headed bastards where they could stuff their treaty, they stopped complying. Can you believe that? And sanctions won’t work because they steal the money from their people. They would rather have bombs than feed their starving civilians. Can you believe that? I can’t think of one other country that would do that.”
“Once we told those towel-headed bastards where they could stuff their treaty, they stopped complying. They would rather have bombs than feed their starving civilians. Can you believe that? I can’t think of one other country that would do that.”
“North Korea,” shouted a ninety-year-old veteran from the front row.
“Exactly. Why can’t Iran be more like North Korea? There’s a country we should all look up to. In fact, after Russia, I can’t think of a more shining example of Democracy on this planet.”
“What about America?” a veteran wearing ribbons from the Korean War shouted.
“I promised to make America great again and before I leave office I will make it every bit the democracy that Russia and North Korea are today.
“We’re going to war and you’ll get another crack at your glory days in combat. Isn’t that great? Who needs to sign up whiny loser millennials who voted for Crooked Hillary. You proved your mettle, your experience and your value. And now you can do it again. First Tehran, then Germany and then the European Union. We beat ’em in WW II and we’ll do it again in WW III. When we march into Berlin we’ll dump our soybeans and pork products on those former commie bastards and make America Great Forever. Old Glory will fly over Europe for a thousand years.”
The applause picked up, although World War II veterans fell silent.
Editor’s Note: Drumpf’s reference to Germany and the EU was removed from the speech’s transcript after Drumpf’s meeting with EU minister Jeanne Claude Junker. When asked for an explanation, the White House only offered, “Sometimes he gets more exuberant than we’d like. Usually, however, you heard him wrong.”
At this point 45 donned a US Army officer’s cap with six stars and the slogan CNC-MAGA where the eagle usually sits. “We’re gonna do it cheap too,” he pushed on. “We’re gonna have to because the Democrats will filibuster every dime. But we can do it cheap because I’m the great negotiator and you guys proved you can make sacrifices.”
Drumpf grabbed the mike and threw himself into the crowd, expecting to be body surfed. Two or three younger veterans reached to break his fall, but the older ones scrambled out of his way. He landed with a thud, broke six chairs and left a three-foot depression in the dirt. Once the Secret Service freed him from the impact crater and dusted him off, 45 grabbed the mike and walked the crowd as though nothing happened.
Drumpf grabbed the mike and threw himself into the crowd, expecting to be body surfed. Two or three younger veterans reached to break his fall, but the older ones scrambled out of his way. He landed with a thud, broke six chairs and left a three-foot depression in the dirt.
“Listen, I can do a war cheap. Cheap like you’ve never seen. These guys, they came to me with a proposal for the Jerusalem embassy, didn’t have any plans but wanted a blank check for one hundred million. Can you believe it? Three hundred million dollars. But my ambassador, can’t remember his name but he’s a good guy, said he found an abandoned crack house we could renovate for one hundred and fifty thousand. I said, ‘go for it.’ And best of all, I jewed him down to sixty-five thousand for the renovations. You can visit any time after we win the war. Enjoy it. It’s yours.”
Drumpf patted a retired officer twenty years his senior on the shoulder then tweaked his cheek like he might a three-year-old. “I can do so cheap. I already have surplus vests and helmets lined up from the Gulf War. The first one. So cheap you won’t even notice the dent in your paychecks.”
“I already have surplus vests and helmets lined up from the Gulf War. The first one. So cheap you won’t even notice the dent in your paychecks.”
The rally ended with Vietnam veterans shouting, “Hell, no, we won’t go,” and the rest not sure they would follow either.
After rally group discussion
“I can’t believe that was our President,” Gulf War veteran Eiser Vive told a local on-site tv reporter. “It was more like something from that weird show Twin Peaks. I watched that with my son one night and thought we were both on drugs.”
“He tole us not to believe our eyes or ears,” Korean Vet Lefty Phoredead interrupted. “So don’t believe anything we heard.” Everyone present agreed they sat through a giant cluster fuck, bigger than any they experienced in combat and between them they had seen several thousand.
“You think it’s like that at the White House every day?” a second Korean Vet wondered.
“Man don’t get to be a millionaire cluster fucking like that. Not unless he inherited the money or cheated people,” Phoredead piped in.
“President can’t cheat people, it’s in the Constitution,” yet another shouted.
“Maybe it’s a loyalty test. To make sure we’re combat ready,” Vive suggested.
“Combat ready or not, I ain’t doing another tour,” Phoredead declared. It was the one thing they all agreed on.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
