Drumpf demonstrates clean coal by pumping America’s crystal clean air into his Florida rally. (White House)

Drumpf Demonstrates Clean Coal Air

”Cleanest air and water since God made the earth”

Phillip T Stephens

The evening before the EPA dismantled Obama era federal standards for coal-fired plants, Drumpf told gullible Florida worshippers that he’d given America “the cleanest air and water since God made the earth. Crystal clear. Air and water so clear it makes Waterford crystal look like the dingy juice glassed in the back of your dishwasher.”

Drumpf launched his 2020 campaign for the forty-second time with his clean air and water declaration. “We cleaned up the horrible mess made by Democrats and now we give you clean coal. You’ll love it, and so will the miners who no longer have to associate with that filthy black coal, you know what I mean. This is white coal, scrubbed clean of carbon and clear as diamonds, which aren’t white, they’re clear, but they would be white if they were made in America and not in the shithole mines of Africa where they reverse discriminate against the people that brought their continent out of the stone ages and into the nineteenth century.”

”You’ll love clean coal, and so will the miners who no longer have to associate with that filthy black coal, you know what I mean.”

While he spoke, Drumpf held up signs that read, “Drumpf loves coal,” “God loves coal” and “No one loves the sun.”

“There’s a reason they call coal black gold,” he added. “Although now it will be white gold. White gold gives clean air. You know what the sun gives you? Cancer. You won’t need SPF 1000 with clean coal. America has the cleanest air and water since God made earth six thousand years ago. Our water is cleaner than the water in the Garden of Eden. If Adam and Eve were to drink America’s water they would ask, ‘what’s this shit we’ve been drinking till now?’”

”You know what the sun gives you? Cancer. You won’t need SPF 1000 with clean coal. “

His announcement failed to mention that within hours the EPA would turn the regulation of coal-fired plants over to the states so the states could, in the words of EPA Director Andrew Wheeler, “ignore the liberals and make more jobs. Ask any real American what they would prefer, good health and safe air and water? Or a job? And you know what they’ll tell you. As long as the coal industry makes money hands over fist, we’re good to go.”

The EPA’s own estimates indicate regulation rollbacks would decrease air quality substantially, but Drumpf and Wheeler see this as a good thing. “You can buy thirty state regulators for the price of one in Washington. Within three years the coal industry will generate all the heat this planet can stand.”

Anticipating criticism from environmentalists, Drumpf released sample crystal clean American air through the vents to prove how clean it was. Black dust and sulfur oxide coated everyone in attendance (estimated to be twenty thousand by the press and three hundred million by the White House).

”Our water is cleaner than the water in the Garden of Eden. If Adam and Eve were to drink America’s water they would ask, ‘what’s this shit we’ve been drinking till now?’”

Drumpf pounded his chest. “Breathe that air in. Have you ever breathed air this clean?” The crowd responded with chants of “Breathe it up. Breathe it up.”

The EPA estimates the medical and cleaning bills for the twenty thousand attendees will exceed three million dollars over the next twenty years, but no one in attendance plans to clean their clothes. “I can sell my blouse for three hundred on eBay,” Merry Jo Whetless told reporters after the rally. “People will pay good money for authentic Drumpf shit, and it doesn’t get more authentic than this.”

When asked how they felt about the quality of the air Drumpf dumped on them without their consent, supporters agreed it was the cleanest air they’d ever breathed. “No question,” said Bobby Rae Racefan of Bilgewater. “If I could breathe air like that every day, I’d be the healthiest man in the world. As healthy as Drumpf. Makes me think they lied about that Flint, Michigan water. In fact, I’m going to go order me a six pack now, and show those immigrant Democrats that they don’t know how good they got it.”

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Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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