Drumpf Dispensed From Guilt
”It’s a special thing Popes can do.”
Minutes after his lawyer Rudy Giuliani declared, “If the President wanted to obstruct the Mueller investigation he would end it,”[1] Drumpf ended the Mueller investigation. His reason? Papal dispensation.
“Me and the Pope, we’re like this,” Drumpf said to reporters in the Rose Garden. He crossed his fingers to demonstrate. The gesture was doubly appropriate since it also means, “every word I utter is a total fabrication.”
“He told me I was dispensed. It’s a special things Popes can do that means you’re not guilty and get out of jail free for anything, which I didn’t need because this whole Russia investigation is a which hunt, but this is now, like, God Official. A pardon from the man on high for collusion that never happened anyway. So it doesn’t matter whether or not my no-good, lying, non-disclosing up-front about recusing Attorney General sits on his ass and doesn’t fire that Hillary stooge Mueller, I’ve been dispensed and I’m officially putting an end to the investigation.”
“I was dispensed. It’s a special things Popes can do that means you’re not guilty and get out of jail free for anything, which I didn’t need because this whole Russia investigation is a which hunt, but this is now, like, God Official.
As he often does, Drumpf applauded his own comments. He added, “By the way, Mueller, you’re fired.”
“Do you mean you received a ‘papal dispensation?’” clarified Washington Post reporter Margaret Haberman.
“You and you’re smarty-pants fake news are soooo mad that he dispensed me,” Drumpf fired back. “Well, tough. I’m off the hook for anything I ever did or will ever do, so my ass is covered for all the good things I do that you want to turn into crimes. This deal is so good, I’m telling my good friends Vlad and Kim about it so they can get a peace of the action. Hell, I THINK WE’LL INVEST. I bet their’s[2] good money to be made.”
“Me and the Pope, we’re like this,” Drumpf said to reporters in the Rose Garden. He crossed his fingers to demonstrate. The gesture was doubly appropriate since it also means, “every word I utter is a total fabrication.”
CNN’s April Ryan asked, “Why would Pope Francis grant you a dispensation when so many of his writings and declarations challenge your policies?”
“Not this Pope,” 45 blustered. “The old one. The one before him. The good one. Named like the booze.”
“Benedict can’t grant dispensations. He’s no longer Pope.”
“Once a Pope always a Pope. Read your Bibles. I do. Cover to cover. Every day. I ghost wrote the Book of Revelations. That’s the best book of the Bible in the history of books of the Bible, which is how I know these things and you don’t.”
Verifying Drumpf’s claim proves difficult
The Vatican denies that either Pope Francis or Cardinal Ratzinger (formerly Benedict XVI) met with the President at any time since May of 2017. In response, the White House released a photograph of Drumpf and Melania with Benedict, who is wearing his Papal vestments. They vigorously deny that the photo eerily resembles an official White House photograph of Benedict with George and Laura Bush or that 45 was Photoshopped into the image.
“Once a Pope always a Pope. Read your Bibles. I do. Cover to cover. Every day. I ghost wrote the Book of Revelations. That’s the best book of the Bible in the history of books of the Bible, which is how I know these things and you don’t.”
“There’s no one in the White House with the skills to do that,” an aide informed The Haven. “That’s a skill that would only be used by the Fake News.”
Mueller’s office only said that he has no intention of leaving his office, or the investigation any time soon.
[1] Spoken during a video of a conference aired by Brooke Baldwin on CNN on August 1. Giuliani later claimed the video never occurred and that he was “CGIed” into the footage using the voice of actor James Earl Jones who sounds exactly like him.
[2] News outlets later expressed amazement that Drumpf developed the ability to misspell and capitalize even when he’s speaking.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
