Drumpf: “Flipping Has to Stop”
”How can you legally break law with rats in your nest?”
On Friday North Korea declared war on the United States, the Dow fell 3000 points, unemployment tripled, and China called the entire United States debt but none of those events made it to the news. Drumpf dominated the airwaves with complaints about his Attorney General, Special Counsel Robert Mueller, the Manafort trial, Michael Cohen and “the other rat bastard traitors who stabbed me in the back over nothing.”
Drumpf was indignant to hear the Special Counsel offered immunity to National Enquirer CEO David Pecker and Drumpf Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg. “Mueller has no right,” he told Fox & Friends. “There was no collusion. Not Russian anyway. Not where I would involve those guys. You think I’m stupid?”
“Mueller has no right. There was no collusion. Not Russian anyway. Not where I would involve those guys. You think I’m stupid?”
Everyone on the set fell to their knees and bowed, swearing that he was the smartest man they ever met.
“Well let me tell you what this smart man knows,” Drumpf claimed. He stood and stuck his face directly into the camera lens. “A guy like Manafort, who never worked for me by the way, that’s just a vicious rumor, a guy like Manafort, he gets convicted by eleven angry Democrats and a good Republican with his arm twisted behind his back, cause they found him innocent of ninety percent of the charges but Mueller got this squealer Stone to rat him out for some picky little shit. Not filing forms, can you believe that? Eighty years for not doing his paperwork right. What kind of justice is that?”
“That’s wrong,” said Generic Blonde One. “And Sean Hannity intends to address that tonight.”
“Exactly,” Drumpf agreed. “I used to have friends, still do, who do the sanitation contracts for my hotels. You know what they do with squealers? Do you know? Exactly. Nobody knows. You know what my useless, freeloading, lying Attorney General does? He gives them a free pass. All they have to do is talk about shit they promised me they would never talk about. Not crimes. Legal stuff the law would frown on. You know what I mean? Like paying a couple of hundred hookers to keep their mouths shut, or using money intended for veterans to pay them off. We all do it. It’s called robbing Peter to pay the rent. We all do it.”
Manafort gets convicted by eleven angry Democrats and a good Republican with his arm twisted behind his back, cause they found him innocent of ninety percent of the charges but Mueller got this squealer Stone to rat him out for some picky little shit. Not filing forms, can you believe that? Eighty years for not doing his paperwork right. What kind of justice is that?”
“I do,” admitted Generic Blonde Two, the one with double D cups. “My hush money from Roger Ayles wasn’t nearly enough to cover my condo overlooking Central Park and my chauffeured limo. It had to come from somewhere, and the production budget was flush.”
“And what came of it?” Drumpf asked.
“Nothing,” she admitted. “I mean, we fired the girl I blamed for taking it, but nobody cared because she was, you know…” She leaned over and whispered into Drumpf’s ear. She didn’t even blush when he ran his hand up her leg and squeezed a cheek under her dress.
“Trust me,” he said, “you’re rent’s taken care of this month too. But my point is, this flipping has to stop. How can anyone legally break the law if our Justice Department lets your co-conspirators rat you out? You know what Manafort is? A hero. He didn’t tell the witch hunters a word about the money laundering scheme we set up with the Kremlin to clean all those contributions the finance laws said we couldn’t accept. He didn’t tell anyone about the thousands of fake emails the Kremlin created that we used to smear Crooked Hillary. Who deserved it by the way, and those fake emails proved it. He took his punishment like a man, and what does my lawyer, a very junior lawyer by the way, so junior his only job was to coordinate meetings with foreign officials promising cash, what does my lawyer do? Squeals about whether or not I knew about a meeting? You think I approve every meeting my people are involved with?”
Manafort didn’t tell anyone about the thousands of fake emails the Kremlin created that we used to smear Crooked Hillary. Who deserved it by the way, and those fake emails proved it. He took his punishment like a man.
“In the Art of the Deal, you say you do,” answered Generic Blonde One.
“Wow, you read my book. And now you’re brilliant.” He leaned over to kiss her. At that point FOX & Friends cut to commercial and returned with commentators.
The Press and Congress spent the rest of the day arguing about the significance of Drumpf’s interview and the new immunity agreements. In the meantime, Mike Pompeo signed surrender papers. According to the terms, Drumpf and Drumpf enterprises will move to Pyonyang to run their business and Kim will occupy the White House starting next week. He plans to announce the new US Constitution on Friday. At the close of the day the Dow hovered at 450 points.
“No one will ever impeach me,” he bragged on Fox & Friends. “I’m the only thing keeping the stock market high.”
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
