The Haven
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The Haven

Drumpf and Wayne LaPierre promote “Free Guns in Bars” to protect defenseless Americans. (Michael Vadon)

Drumpf Honors Lost Patriots

They gave their lives for the 2nd Amendment

White House insiders agree. Drumpf was furious to learn another shooter killed a dozen citizens in Thousand Oaks, California. Not because the shootings occurred, but because they didn’t drown out the outcry when he replaced Attorney General Jeff Sessions with Attorney General Lite Matthew Whitaker.

“I couldn’t shut them up when the Jew Church got shot up,” he reportedly complained. “These victims were real people that we should care about but I’m still taking shit for appointing the great guy who’s going to make Mueller disappear.” He then ordered his communication staff to “come up with something that makes me sound like I give a shit.”

The National Rifle Association sent Wayne LaPierre to the rescue with yet another outlandish proposal to take the heat from Drumpf. Following a promise from Drumpf to let LaPierre handle the press conference and announcement, the two men greeted reporters in the Oval Office to announce the “Free Guns in Bars” Initiative.

“These victims were real people that we should care about but I’m still taking shit for appointing the great guy who’s going to make Mueller disappear.”

The proposal would provide dozens of guns to every bar, restaurant, disco, store, mall, gym, classroom and even church. Customers, worshippers and students who aren’t armed when the arrive can take a weapon from the community rack and return it upon leaving.

“The NRA has repeatedly warned that these shootings are the result of leaving the American people defenseless,” LaPierre told reporters. “The Guns in Bars program will put those guns into the hands of the most vulnerable. White people who hate. The White House and NRA will collaborate to collect donated weapons, bring them to spec and distribute them based on priority.”

Phil's Bar in D.C. pilots the Free Guns in Bars Initiative. (Bernt Rostad)
Phil’s Bar in D.C. pilots the Free Guns in Bars Initiative. (Bernt Rostad)

Removing an immovable object

Before he could continue, or the reporters could interrupt with questions, Drumpf pushed LaPierre aside. “Everyone needs to remember, this wouldn’t have happened if George Soros and the Dudley Do Wrong Democrats hadn’t financed a caravan of terrorists to invade our borders. That shooter wasn’t the bad guy, he was a former soldier defending his country. The Americans were collateral damage.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta shouted from the back, “You’re saying the shooter was a patriot?”

“How the fuck did that man get in the room?” Drumpf demanded. “We revoked his press pass.”

After members of White House Security beat Acosta with riot clubs, restrained and removed him, Drumpf complained, “It cost us a lot of money to doctor that video to make him look like a predator. Believe me, my new Attorney General is going to make the Fake News pay.”

“This wouldn’t have happened if George Soros and the Dudley Do Wrong Democrats hadn’t financed a caravan of terrorists to invade our borders. That shooter wasn’t the bad guy, he was a former soldier defending his country.”

The Associated Press’ Zeke Miller asked if Drumpf intended to answer Acosta’s question. Drumpf lowered the boom on him. “I don’t answer rude questions from rude reporters sent by rude rogue media outlets like yours. Who do you work for anyway? Do I know you? At least you aren’t one of those racist black women with their shrill stupid questions.”

The blood of patriots

The New York Times’ Carl Hulse broke in. “Forgive my skepticism, sir, but do you really believe passing out guns to a room filled with drunks is a safety measure?”

Drumpf grabbed a pistol from the rack and pointed at Hulse. “You fake news people, you’re lucky I don’t send you to the firing squad like they do in a real democracy. You’d all be dead in North Korea, let me tell you. My point, which you never let me get to, is that the victims were true patriots. They gave their lives for the second amendment, and I didn’t put up with that vicious harassment from women like Christine Ford or that Mexican immigrant woman to confirm Judge Kavanaugh so that immigrant terrorists could take that right away from us.”

When asked how seriously he took the Free Guns in Bars initiative, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell replied, “It doesn’t matter how preposterous Drumpf’s plan is as long as it ends the debate on gun control. At least until the next shooting we have to spin.”

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.