Drumpf Leaves G20 in Tears
No one made him top story in the news
Drumpf suffered the worst weekend of his Presidential career this weekend. He left for Buenos Aires on Friday with plans to turn the Mueller narrative around by disrupting the conference, his go-to foreign policy move. Instead he was ignored, humiliated and even forced to take back stage to “a fossil who hasn’t been President since the fifties.”
State Department insiders confessed that Drumpf and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo planned a two front assault on G20 members. His statements to the press would accuse them of conspiring to stifle the US economy with tariffs then pull each leader aside to negotiate a private deal. When the one-on-one talks ended, he would Tweet about which members were the Losers (leaders who wouldn’t stroke his ego and cave to his demands).
Russian President Vladimir Putin and Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman ambushed first. In the most publicized moment of the meetings, both men publicly snubbed Drumpf then embraced with high fives to celebrate. Drumpf might have recovered had the press not played a video of his looking away, heart broken and shedding a tear during the exchange.
“He dumps a dozen women a week,” an anonymous source from Drumpf’s campaign confided. “I mean, he used to dump a dozen women a week. And he shits on everyone. But he never fell in love until he met Vladimir Putin. He floated on clouds for weeks after Putin called him ‘bright and talented.’ Then, to fall in love with Kim Jong Un and MBS within the next two years? He wanted the four of them to move into the White House. To treat him like this? Most guys would never forgive them, but he’s a first time puppy in love. He’ll take them back the minute they send flowers.”
“He never fell in love until he met Vladimir Putin. He floated on clouds for weeks after Putin called him ‘bright and talented.’”
It goes worse. China announced it would make its climate policies more business friendly stripping the United States of its prime denial status. No one would join Drumpf for a major press conference without the other G20 leaders being present. No one would renegotiate their ends of a multilateral trade deal.
Then, on Friday night the Bush family announced the passing of the former President. The major news organizations focused on Bush’s legacy and ignored Drumpf for the rest of the weekend.
Dumpf Tweeted: “The guy’s a FOSSIL who HASN’T BEEN PRESIDENT since the fifties. Who cares what happened to him? BTW. Condolences to the family.”
“(Bush is) a FOSSIL who HASN’T BEEN PRESIDENT since the fifties. Who cares what happened to him? BTW. Condolences to the family.”
He returned to his hotel, where he discovered Putin and MBS in a hot tub with Stormy Daniels and former Playmate Karen McDougal. He tried to join them but the door was locked and they wouldn’t answer when he banged and begged at the door. After twenty minutes Saudi and Russian security forces escorted him from the building.
In spite of the focus on Bush, Drumpf continued his campaign to draw news cameras on him. The coverage for Bush mounted, including video clips from his Presidency, interviews with colleagues and even anecdotes from the Oak Ridge Boys. Drumpf Tweeted Saturday Night, “What did Bush1 do that I didn’t do better. He gave America Willie Horton, but I gave you LOUIS BRACKAMONTES. And I won THE SENATE. All he won was a Presidency.”
Bush coverage continued to dominate the news even after Drumpf returned to Washington. Desperate for coverage, he Tweeted: “Just signed a MAJOR TRADE DEAL with China. WE WON THE TRADE WAR.”
“What did Bush1 do that I didn’t do better. He gave America Willie Horton, but I gave you LOUIS BRACKAMONTES.”
When contacted, members of President Xi’s administration denied any deal. “President Xi felt sorry for him. So he did what Kim and Putin do. Nodded his head, and Dabien[1] took that for a deal. Xi even said, ’Shr, shr.’ That means, ‘is, is.’ Drumpf thinks it means ‘sure, sure.’”
None of this will matter, of course, because Drumpf will be back to his routine hard on for the Press, the Justice Department and the injustice they commit against him the minute another Drumpf employee provides evidence to Mueller. Most likely this will happen before the launch of tomorrow’s news cycle.
[1]The Chinese nickname for Drumpf, which means “Big Relief” (or, more literally, “shit”).
Photo Credits: Glenn Francis, Kremlin, Haim Zach
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Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
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