Drumpf on Top of Forests
”No more fires once we log the trees”
Drumpf proposed new forrest management programs to curb the wild fires that ravage California each year. Clear cut the forests and rake the rest.
“This is an invasion,” Drumpf cried when he inspected a neighborhood fifty miles from the wild fires to see the damage. “An armed caravan filled with flames to take our homes and businesses. I promise to send fifteen thousand federal fire fighters to the border to send the fires back to where they came from.”
Even as he spoke, assistants scrambled for their phones to prepare for the fallout from this promise.
“There shouldn’t be any need for this. If I had my firewall on the border like I asked for these flames would be stopped in Mexico where they belong. Even then, with a little raking the floors would be clean and neat and the fires couldn’t spread. That’s what they do in Finland and Sweden. Those are good countries. Only shit hole countries leave leaves lying around on the floor to catch fire because they’re lazy bums. Why should we be a shit hole country like Mexico? We have millions of park rangers we pay huge salaries, I mean better than we pay CEOs, with bonuses, and all they do is sit on their asses and punch tickets. We should put them to work raking the forest floors.”
“There shouldn’t be any need for this. If I had my firewall on the border like I asked for these flames would be stopped in Mexico where they belong.”
His ramble was interrupted by Secretary of Interior Ryan Zinke, who whispered in his ear for several seconds and then pointed to a group of lumber, mining and cattle executives who had accompanied Drumpf on the tour.
“I should also thank these wonderful representatives of the environmental repurposing industry who financed our tour, and several Senators as well.” Zinke shook his head violently and placed his finger over his lips. “Senator’s non-profit educational outreach programs, I mean,” Drumpf added. “We’re working closely with these wonderful gentlemen, great guys every obey to develop a plan to prevent future wildfires. With their help, the Federal Government will transform these forests from useless, space gathering, income sucking eye sores into clearcut land, grazing pastures and mines. With the taxes they won’t have to pay on the obscene profits they make from Federal lands we’ll wipe out the deficit. At least on paper. Best of all, no more fires once we log the trees and make way for excavators and heavy equipment. And we should be able to provide steady employment for at least five years until we strip all the resources and abandon the land for dirt biking.”
“The Federal Government will transform these forests from useless, space gathering, income sucking eye sores into clearcut land, grazing pastures and mines. With the taxes they won’t have to pay on the obscene profits they make from Federal lands we’ll wipe out the deficit. At least on paper.”
Reporters clamored for answers to their questions, but Drumpf looked at his watch and said, “I just heard the fires are only fifty miles away and moving fast. I’m ordering a mandatory evacuation of this publicity stunt.” He climbed into his SUV and sped away. The forest service later confirmed that the fires were fifty miles from the location and moving away from the President.
Drumpf later Tweeted that the initiatives are a low priority because the fires are contained to California. “The state needs a little thinning, especially with the new underbrush CROWDING OUT REPUBLICANS in Orange County. We need those Republicans back and a few more fires to CLEAR OUT THE BOTTOM FEEDING DEMS will do the trick.”
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
