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The Haven

Schematic of the proposed Sahara Wall, Drumpf’s new private/public initiative will build for Spain (Europe’s Mexico franchise). (Voice of America)

Drumpf Opens Wall Franchise

Worldwide distribution of most successful idea ever

Drumpf has advised Spanish Foreign Minister Josep Borrell to build a wall around the Saharan Desert and solve his immigration policy. The advice came during a phone call during which he reportedly told Borrell, “you’ve got too many of the shit hole people invading your country, and that means they’ll try us next. Can’t have it.”

When Borrell explained that a border in Africa might not be as effective as a non-existent border between the US and Mexico, Drumpf exploded over the phone. “I’ll have you know our border is fifty feet high and two miles think. Nothing gets over my border. Nothing.”

Drumpf added that the border between the US and Mexico is the longest border in the world and “my wall is twice as long as yours. Thicker too. Don’t believe anything you read in some porn star’s book about a wall she’s never seen. I don’t leave my wall unprotected either. No matter what she says.”

“My wall is twice as long as yours. Thicker too. Don’t believe anything you read in some porn star’s book about a wall she’s never seen. I don’t leave my wall unprotected either. No matter what she says.”

Facts are facts, especially the ones Drumpf makes up

Despite the fact that the Sahara’s boundary is half again longer than the US Mexico border, and would encompass eleven countries, Drumpf continued to insist the wall is “so doable, as doable as a blonde porn star when you wave a wad of cash, which I would know nothing about.” He also insisted the Iranian government would pay for the Sahara Wall, since “they’re the source of your problem.”

Drumpf and unnamed investor at opening of Walls-R-Us, which has no way in or out.
Drumpf and unnamed investor at opening of Walls-R-Us, which has no way in or out.

The White House initially denied the reports, but changed their story when Drumpf told reporters, without consulting anyone on staff, that exporting walls was his latest foreign policy initiative. “We’re going to build walls for Spain. That’s the Mexico franchise in Europe for those of you who don’t know geography. Walls around Iran, walls around Afghanistan, walls between Mexico and the Mexican countries to the south. Hell, why not a wall around China so they can’t ship their products to the US. That’ll end the trade deficit.”

“We’re going to have walls around Iran, walls around Afghanistan, walls between Mexico and the Mexican countries to the south. Hell, why not a wall around China so they can’t ship their products to the US. That’ll end the trade deficit.”

When every White House expert who knew anything about trade and foreign policy tried to explain that a wall would not stop exports, and stopping exports wouldn’t end the trade deficit, Drumpf dismissed them with the words, “None of you knows anything about walls. I know walls. I know walls better than anyone in the history of wall building, because I’m a builder. That’s what I do best. An negotiate. I do that better, but I still do building best. And run the country. Nobody’s run the country better than me. I’m best at that of everything I’m best at.”

Business will do what government won’t

Drumpf’s new foreign policy initiative stalled when the Senate and House majority leaders (having been warned) refused to take his calls, as did the leaders of every nation he wanted to sell on the policy. Not to be deterred, Drumpf declared that business, not government, should do what business does best.

“Which is business,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters at the close of the business day. “Drumpf and a handful of unnamed investors are opening ‘Walls-R-USA.’ This new privatized public initiative, run exclusively by the Drumpf Organization, will export walls across the world to protect sovereign nations from unlawful immigrants and spurious, deficit increasing trade. The President likes to call it, ‘Tradigration.’”

”I’m a builder. That’s what I do best. An negotiate. I do that better, but I still do building best. And run the country. Nobody’s run the country better than me. I’m best at that of everything I’m best at.”

Sanders explained this would be nothing like Hillary Clinton’s pay-to-play scandal. “Clients will be paying for a wall, not access to the President. Once they purchase the wall, the President will greet them personally and listen to their concerns free of charge.”

Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh later confirmed that he couldn’t rule on a case he might hear, but in theory he saw nothing illegal and no conflict of interest in the Walls-R-USA franchise.

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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