Drumpf Reinstates Draft
Needed to fill 34 million boots on border
Drumpf promised 5,000 troops for the border last month in hopes of boosting GOP election chances next Tuesday. The rationale is to stop the invasion of a caravan of immigrants that loses momentum every day.
When the deployment announcement gained little traction, he boosted the number to 15,000. Only Japan, Germany and South Korea have more troops deployed in their defense. That 15,000 estimate created more resistance than traction, even after a releasing a video claiming Democrats were recruiting immigrants to murder police.
Today Drumpf put everything into the pot. “Millions of immigrants are swarming across our border every minute like killer bees. The Democrats had a chance to stop those bees south of the border in the 80s, but they didn’t.[1] Now they sting hundreds of children to death every day. Innocent American children. We have to stop the drug dealing, murdering, raping killer bee immigrants from swarming into every city in America.”
To stop the invasion, Drumpf now proposes to send 17 million troops and “ all the special forces deployed across the globe” to the Texas border to stop the caravan. “Not the California border, mind you, because California’s already surrendered. They raised the white flag and sold out lock, stock and empty gun-controlled barrels to the Mexican government and the unChristian, Satan worshipping liberal sanctuary churches who preach the heresy it’s better to love your neighbor than obey the law. And what has that heresy gotten them? Queer and tranny kids. That’s what it got them. Queer kids and Nancy Pelosi, who I’ll bet you has a wife or middle leg under her dress, or both, if you know what I mean, and you know what I mean. Let’s just say, don’t be surprised to find her poaching the men’s room.”
“Millions of immigrants are swarming across our border every minute like killer bees. The Democrats had a chance to stop those bees south of the border in the 80s, but they didn’t.[1] Now they sting hundreds of children to death every day.”
When advised that the number of troops he called for exceeds the total deployment of Troops in World War II, Drumpf waved off the calculation as irrelevant. “Look who we fought in World War II. Our allies. The Germans. Nice guys. We do great business with them after they pay their fair tariff. Nationalists, just like us. And boy, did Hitler know how to deal with the fake news. Can you spell Auschwitz? He shipped their asses straight to the camps, let me tell you, which weren’t as bad as liberals let on. Three square meals a day and guaranteed employment. This was during the Great Depression when everyone was out of work. So those campers had no complaints. No complaints.”
Drumpf was then informed his deployment would be fifteen times the current standing army. “Then I’ll reinstate the Draft. I’ll put it in the same executive order ending birth right citizenship. We’ll draft those whiny liberal loser kids and whip them into shape. Make them into men overnight. And I would know. My service with the marines toughened me into the man I am. That plus the fifty missions I flew as a marine pilot in Vietnam, Grenada and the first Iraq War. I was for the first Iraq war. Not the second one, the one Obama started.”
Drumpf reiterated his warning that the caravan consisted of millions of Islamic Jihadist terrorists trained in battle against US forces in Iraq. “They’re armed with state of the art weapons from Iran, including nuclear-tipped long-range missiles they can launch from the Mexican border.”
He also promised this draft would be fair, not like the old one. “No exemptions for teachers, social workers and sandal wearing Peace Corp hippies. No conscientious objectors. If you aren’t making a fortune in service to your country on Wall Street, you’re getting called.”
Asked about the cost, Drumpf said, “Cheaper than Obamacare. We’ll fund it with the savings from Obamacare. That’s 300 trillion a year before the first bullet’s fired.”
He prepared to leave and then returned to the microphone. “And real estate,” he added. “Exemptions for real estate. Not the sales people, but the builders and dreamers who make this country great.”
When asked how quickly they could reinstate the draft, call up, train and deploy 17 million troops, a source inside the Pentagon said, “Does it matter? Whatever we tell you he’ll come back and claim we can have them all at the border before Tuesday’s elections.”
When asked how quickly they could reinstate the draft, call up, train and deploy 17 million troops, a source inside the Pentagon said, “Does it matter? Whatever we tell you he’ll come back and claim we can have them all at the border before Tuesday’s elections.”
No super hero bail out
Sources inside the White House confirm that Drumpf tried to recruit members of the Justice League and Marvel Avengers, but was turned down flat. “We don’t sell our services and we sure as hell don’t sell our souls,” said Batman, a nationalist who voted for Drumpf until “the man proved he has the moral backbone of an earthworm. Cut it in two, he grows two backbones. And both are spineless.”
Billionaire venture capitalist Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, whose empire is worth twenty times the value of the Drumpf Organization added, “No cool weapons either. He’d probably blow up the fucking country asking what the on switch does.”
[1]: In fact, it was Reagan who killed the funding to stop the africanized bees.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
