The Haven
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The Haven

2020 election update

Drumpf Saved by Six Million Votes

Late ballots delivered directly to Oval Office

Drumpf personally shows off some of the last minute ballots in the Oval Office. (Gage Skidmore, Yun Huang Hong)

With Friday being the last day Pennsylvania will accept mail-in ballots, and Drumpf trailing Biden in every competitive state but North Carolina, the White House announced the receipt of more than six million ballots postmarked on Election Day. Even better, according to White House sources, every single vote but one was for Drumpf.

Drumpf spoke to reporters on the White House lawn, standing before hundreds of bags of ballots delivered by USPS at five pm. After speaking for reporters for thirty minutes, he made his staff carry several bags into the Oval Office where he posed with ballots for photographers.

“Everybody said I was going to lose, which is a loser thing to say when you’re speaking about a winner, which would be me, who with these six million extra surprise votes outmaneuvered that loser Sleepy Joe Biden with his illegal post-election ballots and will end up taking the most votes in the history of votes ever. And just in case you forget, being Fake News, even FOX lately, the winner is me.”

Everybody said I was going to lose, which is a loser thing to say when you’re speaking about a winner, which would be me, who with these six million extra surprise votes outmaneuvered that loser Sleepy Joe Biden with his illegal post-election ballots.”

Drumpf added that all of the votes had been mailed from Arizona, Nevada, Georgia and Pennsylvania. “Which means I win. Game over. Best of all, I whipped Sleepy Joe’s ass in his so-called home state, so he’ll have to run back to Maryland or wherever he came from because he won’t be welcome in Pennsylvania, otherwise known as the Land of Liberty, which it wouldn’t be once Biden’s Antifa thugs are set free on hopeless citizens.”

When asked how he knew the ballots were cast for him, Drumpf said that these were special pre-processed ballots cast according to an obscure election law that only he knew. When asked if he could share that law with reporters, he shouted, “I can’t make you losers happy can I? I mean the Supreme Court told the Post Office to deliver the outstanding balance of votes, and I made them bring them here. So here they are, and you can open them yourselves and see for a fact that I win.”

When asked how he knew the ballots were cast for him, Drumpf said that these were special pre-processed ballots cast according to an obscure election law that only he knew.

CNN’s Jim Acosta interrupted. “But shouldn’t these ballots have been delivered to the counties processing the votes?”

“Things are going to change after the election, and a lot of the changes will involve you,” Drumpf replied. “Let’s face it. Who can be trusted more? Your President who has no stake in the outcome because God’s already chosen him to serve? Or the Never Drumpfers changing the rules, tossing ballots, and changing them with Sharpies? But don’t worry. Once we’ve recorded every vote I intend to have federal troops deliver these ballots to the counties at gun point to make sure no one breaks my law. Any good citizens are invited to ride along and exercise their second amendment rights.”

Maggie Haberman of the New York Times asked why all of the envelopes said, “Printed in St. Petersburg.” “Weren’t you the one claiming foreign governments could print fake ballots?”

“You’re mistaking St. Petersberg in Russia for the real St. Petersberg in Florida,” Drumpf snapped. “It came first.

Printing notice on surprise ballots. (National Guard)

“The printing notice is printed in Russian,” Haberman challenged.

Drumpf struggled to lift a mail bag and toss it at Haberman’s head. Unable to do so, he ordered a staff member to throw it for him. As fellow reporters helped Haberman to her feet, Drumpf informed them, “Jared’s family has connections to Russian printers in Florida. Which was a state I carried in spite of Sleepy Joe’s illegal mail-in campaign. I’m sure no one will care once my new Supreme Court rules in my favor.”

Drumpf struggled to lift a mail bag and toss it at Haberman’s head. Unable to do so, he ordered a staff member to throw it for him.

FOX and One America News (OAN) called the race for Drumpf immediately after the announcement, and award all 538 electoral votes to him. When asked how a news organization could award electoral votes, especially those earned by the losing candidate, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said, “Who knows? But once FOX and OAN make the announcement it’s true in our universe. It doesn’t matter what happens in the liberal universe of Fake News.”

Shortly after Drumpf’s announcement, the Attorney General’s office released the statement, “Since the President’s office is the supreme law of the land, any moves he makes to secure his position are legal as well. Nothing will prepare this country for the Constitutional and social crisis caused by another four years of lawless mob Democrat rule.”

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