The Haven
Published in

The Haven

Drumpf Secedes from Office

Takes red states with him

Trump in press briefing with confederate soldiers
Proud Boys in new uniforms join Drumpf in succession announcement. (Ron Cogswell)

When reporters questioned Drumpf about the election results for the tenth day in a row Monday, Drumpf angrily replied, “Everyone on my staff promised there would be a second Drumpf administration, and we intend to deliver despite the vast conspiracy to unseat me by the Democrats, Fake News, elitist liberal election boards and churches who worship the AntiChrist and brainwash their followers.”

Following further questions about proof of rigged elections, he announced, “Who cares about the rigged elections? I’m seceding from the Presidency and taking the red states with me. Let Biden have his loser blue states. They’re bankrupt. How can he run a country without the financial support of good conservative states? We’ll still be the US but now we’ll be the US of MAGA, and without the blue states to drag us down we’ll be MAGAd by the end of the week.”

Backed by members of the Proud Boys dressed in their new and official US of MAGA uniforms, Drumpf revealed a map of the new “Middle America,” which relegates the leftover blue States to opposite coasts. “You can see we have them Maine, because who cares about Maine? I mean, ‘Main?’ Give me a break, more like ’Dead Weight.’ All they have is lobsters and opioid addiction. But we kept Alaska because of all that oil, which we’ll be pumping out by the gallon now that we’ve sold a useless forest to Big Oil.”

Drumpf stressed that the US of MAGA would clearly be the most influential of the two Americas because they have no “stupid treaties to tie our hands. Those foreigners will have to come hat-in-hand, one-by-one, starting with America’s greatest and unsung ally, Russia.”

”Who cares about Maine? I mean, ‘Main?’ Give me a break, more like ’Dead Weight.’ All they have is lobsters and opioid addiction. But we kept Alaska because of all that oil, which we’ll be pumping out by the gallon now that we’ve sold a useless forest to Big Oil.”

NBC’s Hallie Jackson reminded Drumpf that there is already more than one America, including Canada and the countries south of the US border, so the US of MAGA wouldn’t immediately move into first place.

“Shows how much you know about Geography,” Drumpf retorted. “Those are all South America, which isn’t America. That’s why it’s called South. And we won’t be the shadow America either. I intend to make the MAGA Gold Towers so tall, the Biden White House will be the one in the shadows.”

Map of red and blue states
The newly redrawn map of the two Americas ABC News

When asked if he could unilaterally withdraw the red states from the union without the agreement of governors or state legislators, Drumpf challenged, “Do you think they’rd go against me? After I saved them from COVID and delivered the greatest economy in history? What kind of losers would pass? Besides, they want to be reelected, which they won’t be able to do without me. And even if they’re dumb enough to forget, the US of MAGA militias have plenty of members wielding their Second Amendment rights to persuade them differently.”

“In the new US of MAGA there won’t be any COVID because there won’t be any tests. It’s that simple.”

“But if you secede from the US, you won’t have a Second Amendment to protect gun owners,” CNN’s Jim Acosta reminded him. “That’s a protection for US Citizens.”

After six members of the new militia removed Acosta at gunpoint, Drumpf told reporters, “The new US of MAGA, or MAGA US as I think of it, will honor the Ten Commandments so it won’t be a problem.”

The Voice of America’s Steven Herman asked what his plans would be for dealing with COVID in the new America, to which Drumpf snapped. “In the new US of MAGA there won’t be any COVID because there won’t be any tests. It’s that simple.”

When asked about the status of black Americans in the US of MAGA, Drumpf assured reporters that black people would be provided with room and board by their mandatory employers, and the ones that don’t want to rely on the generosity of plantation owners can move the the blue states who welcome their preference for rioting to good hard work. “If they want black lives to matter then they should damn well go to the lawless states where the men in blue live in fear of their lives because they have no guns because they’ve been defunded.”

“If black people want black lives to matter then they should damn well go to the lawless states where the men in blue live in fear of their lives because they have no guns because they’ve been defunded.”

When asked to comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s office admitted he’d already relocated to the nation’s new capital in West Virginia, along with the six conservative Supreme Court justices who will be on stage when the new oath of office is administered tomorrow.

Attorneys in New York’s Southern District told reporters that the move will also remove Drumpf from any legal jeopardy since the two countries have no extradition agreement — nor are they likely to in Drumpf’s lifetime, which lawyers pray will be mercifully short.

Notice to my readers

Because my earnings on Medium don’t make up for the readership I’ve lost by switching to the pay wall, I will be posting most, if not all, stories free to readers for the next few months.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store