White House Illustration showing how USmcA will work. $ to US, FU to mc.

Drumpf Secures Election With Treaty

”Forget Kavanaugh. We win, other countries lose.”

Phillip T Stephens
Oct 2, 2018 · 5 min read

Drumpf staged another elaborate pageant this morning to convince Americans he‘s in charge and the rest of us are stupid losers. The seven hour pageant featured a long speech telling America how great he is, followed by dozens of other speakers who told America, “Drumpf is really great.”

The pageant featured dozens of white men and one white blonde female in the back wearing a US flag bikini to demonstrate how seriously the administration take her role as director of Homeland Security. “I just replaced that piece of shit NAFTA with a new agreement which is exactly like it but which has a cool name and makes us winners and the other countries losers,” he told a proud nation who immediately switched to Jeopardy reruns on cable.

“This means you can forget about Kavanaugh. He’s old news. Don’t even need to talk about his drinking and supposed sexual abuse. I mean he really suffered from those baseless accusations of lowlife women which will be objectively investigated and dismissed for the garbage they are, except by Democrats who are drunks. I’ve seen them drunk. Bad drunks. Did he stretch the truth a little? You expect a Justice to creatively interpret the facts, but you should see the Democrats who lied about serving in Vietnam, when I know for a fact there’s no such country. John McCain made it up, and now that he’s dead we can forget it ever happened. Because I signed this great new trade treaty. Not NAFTA but a really cool name, I mean the coolest name ever named a treaty, the US(mumbled)A.”

“I just replaced that piece of shit NAFTA with a new agreement which is exactly like it but which has a cool name and makes us winners and the other countries losers,” he told a proud nation who immediately switched to Jeopardy reruns on cable.

Drumpf produced his iPhone and loaded a screen. “This is it. The whole treaty. No fine print. None. Not in the treaty. Nothing to tie our hands like in the past. Just 700 pages of footnotes that nobody cares about. Basically the new treaty says they ship all their money to us in big trucks and we ship a giant finger back to them, which is what they’ve been doing to us for hundreds of thousands of years. More years than in the history of years. And most important, they have to pay workers a good wage, at least two dollars and fifty cents an hour. That’s more in one hour than most of you made in your lives, let me tell you. Did I tell you the name? It’s USmcA, United States something or other Agreement.”

At this point a black employee in overalls carted an eighty inch HDTV to the Rose Garden and set it up, by himself, gripping his back which he wrenched carting a TV designed to be carried by two people. While he connect the cables, Drumpf said, “Look at this fine man. He voted for me. I hired him personally, which means I hired someone I haven’t met to authorize his hire. That one hiring made black employment the highest in history. By itself. Just the one hire, because, you know, they don’t get employed a lot on account of their being lazy and not bothering to educate themselves at a good college like Wharton.”

”Did (Kavanaugh) stretch the truth a little? You expect a Justice to creatively interpret the facts, but you should see the Democrats who lied about serving in Vietnam, when I know for a fact there’s no such country. John McCain made it up.”

Analysts who have read the treaty say it is almost identical to the Trans Pacific Trade Agreement Drumpf backed out of almost a year ago. “But it’s identical on our terms, not theirs,” he told Americans. “And it’s in English this time, so they can’t read it instead of being in Mexican which no one here can read. So we’re on top again, thanks to trade, thanks to tariffs, which scared the shit out of them, and China and India too who said they would blow me for the scraps from America’s table, and I said, ‘no deal, China. You had your chance. Now you have to get in line for first crack at all the high-priced American goods that will be coming out. America will be making high-quality top-shelf mechandise. Lke an American Mercedes Benz, not a cheap knock off, but completely original. Identical the German Benz in every way. But better. Thanks to Ussmuhcah, that’s how you pronounce USmcA. I made that up myself.”

”America will be making high-quality top-shelf mechandise. Lke an American Mercedes Benz, not a cheap knock off, but completely original. Identical the German Benz in every way. But better.”

Drumpf concluded his keynote speech by promising Americans would get rich, reminding them the stock market reached 4000 under his watch and that unemployment was down to zero. “Not one unemployed American except the lazy bums that want to get sick with cancer and leech our tax dollars by demanding health care. And no one cares about Kavanaugh. Okay? It’s done. We went ahead and confirmed him in secret, but I promise a thorough investigation limited to the events on the night of July 5, 1982.”

Drumpf then took questions on “anything but Kavanaugh.” Unfortunately none of the reporters cared about a trade deal and bombarded him with questions about Kavanaugh anyway. Since the questions were all by women, he ignored them since they were just taking “those lying bimbos’ side.”

After Drumpf concluded, the pageant opened, featuring Steve Mnuchin, Larry Kudlow, Mike Pompeo and more than two dozen assistant cabinet officials in their best work wear, mostly Brookes Brothers and Armani. The pageant cut the talent competition since no one who works for the White House has a discernible talent.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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