Drumpf (staff) drafts new bill to protect men against the vicious brutality of women. (President of Argentia)

Drumpf Sponsors Title IX Bill

”Time to end senseless discrimination against men.”

Published in

The Haven

5 min readOct 4, 2018

The White House submitted a bill to Congress this morning to insure the equal rights of men. Titled “The Equal Rights Amendment (for men of color, mainly white color)” the bill increases the protections for men accused of sexual assault.

The Bill was sponsored by Lindsey Graham, Chuck Grassley and the newly (but unofficially) confirmed Justice Brett Kavanaugh. Highlights of the bill’s provisions include:

Women must contact the police while the sexual assault is occurring so that authorities have time to prepare a proper investigation. (a.1)
Women may not leave the scene of the crime until after they have been interviewed and cleared by the proper authorities. If the accused tries to leave she should forcibly restrain him. (a.7)
Police should make sure the accused has counsel present before questioning. (a.9)
Police may detain the accuser for 48 hours for questioning before releasing her to the hospital for evidence collection. A female warden should insure she showers “completely” and is issued new clothes before her release. (b.3)
Accusers’ clothes should be burned to avoid contamination. (b.6)
No physical evidence may be collected from the accuser until after her release and the proper disposal measures have been taken. (b.15)
Attempts at forcible restraint of the accused by the accuser constitutes “violent assault” and “kidnapping.” If convicted, the accuser faces a minimum penalty of 25 years. (c-22)

Additional provisions include:

The accused (referred to as “the victim” in the legislation) is innocent until proven guilty, so his testimony carries more legal weight than the accuser (referred to as “the aggressor” in the legislation) no matter “how many whiny women protest, share their made-up victim experiences, fake feminist experts testify, or corner the jurors in the elevator to cry about how shamefully they’ve allowed themselves to be treated.
The accuser’s name, address, phone number and social media tags should be released to the press to insure their testimony is truthful and they’re willing to stand behind it publicly. FOX News is ordered to establish a web page with the information of every accuser to make sure her fraudulent claims are available to the public for scrutiny.
In order to insure impartiality, potential jurors must be briefed on the full details of the defense before seated.
The accused’s personal information shall remain confidential to protect him from unfair public criticism and shame. He has a family and they should be sheltered from the media.
The accused and his family will be provided counsel and Federal financial assistance to help recover from the undue suffering brought on by allegations.
Woman-on-woman violence is not covered under the statute since it’s not an equal rights issue and no one cares anyway.

“It’s time to end senseless discrimination against men,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “I can’t imagine the pain my precious husband and children would suffer were they to undergo the endless harassment to which Justice Kavanaugh has been subjected.” She followed with an hour-long recap of how she has been harassed because she works for the White House.

The Bill was written during late night session in which every White House lawyer was called in from home to draft the legislation after Drumpf rallied supporters with the slogan, “No guilt before proof.” During a speech in Mississippi, Drumpf mocked Dr. Christine Ford, portraying her as a lush with no memory. In other words, of being Brett Kavanaugh.

Claiming he doesn’t know Kavanaugh personally and never met him, he then declared. “It doesn’t matter. No man should be guilty before proven innocent. Especially me. You think the accusations against Kavanaugh are bad? You should see the fake allegations against me. Hundreds of them. And my fabulously wealthy lawyers, who cost me seven thousand an hour, got me off. Every one.”

Drump led the attendees from the event to a march on Washington to protest Kavanaugh’s treatment. The crowd marched two miles before they realized Drumpf had been picked up by the Secret Service and whisked away to Air Force One. They stopped at the nearest KFC/Burger King/Taco Bell/Long John Silver’s joint fast food emporium and emptied their freezers. Then they went home.

Furious, Drumpf ordered his lawyers to draft the new legislation by daybreak.

Defending his legislation to reporters this morning, Drumpf said, “Men don’t stand a chance against women in today’s environment. We’ve been butting our heads against a glass ceiling of disapproval since women burned their bras in support of the ruthless, terrorist Communist Viet Cong and cost America the war, sentencing our vets to years of disapproval and misery. How can the fairer sex withstand these powerful women who can end our careers with a false accusation and a Tweet with a MeToo hashtag? We can’t. We’ve known women are bullies for decades, accusing us because we didn’t hear them whisper ‘no’ under their breath, demanding that taxpayers pay for their birth control and then spread their legs to trap us. Then they collect the settlements, taking food from the mouths of our wives and children.”

Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced he plans to shove through the legislation before the election. Paul Ryan told reporters the 225 male GOP representatives are all on board, which gives the bill a solid majority backing. Half of the male Democratic representatives said they will listen to the voters in their districts, a sure sign they plan to cross the isle and side with GOP colleagues.

“This SHAMELESS, VISCOUS, VIOLET ASSAULT on an honorable Justice of the Supreme Court proves how far women will go to pervert the law,” Drumpf Tweeted later in the morning, proving once and for all he doesn’t understand spell check. “It’s time to recognize MEN’S RIGHTS.”

He later Tweeted “Men who don’t stand up for men’s rights aren’t men. They’re CRYING LITTLE WOMEN.”