The Haven
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The Haven

White House prototype of Drumpf’s new mobile wall.(Office of Representative Phil Gingrey)

Drumpf Stalls Budget Again

Now wants “wall on wheels”

With minutes to go before the close of the business day, after Wall Street claimed a micro rally, the House and Senate finally agreed on a bill to reopen the government that met Drumpf’s conditions. When they delivered the bill to the White House, acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney told them, “the terms have changed.”

The failure followed a week of Drumpf blaming Democrats for a government shutdown he promised to take the blame for weeks before. “The Democrats don’t want a wall,” he Tweeted, “they want another 911 WITH NUKES.” He tweeted a picture of Nancy Pelosi with a Hitler mustache and called Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer “her slave.”

“Schumer can’t wait to make a deal with me,” Drumpf told the troops during yesterday’s visit, “he’s begging me to let him build his wall, but Pelosi dons her leather suit, her whip and boots, and he falls to the floor saying, ‘how can I please you, mistress?’”

“Congress tried to sell me AN ART INSTALLMENT instead of a wall, but I’M NOT BUYING.”

Late this afternoon, both houses took Drumpf at his word and signed a compromise bill authorizing 5 billion dollars for “custom steel slats to be used at the White House’s discretion.” This was exactly the compromise Drumpf repeatedly declared that he would accept.

Drumpf’s Tweeted image of Nancy Pelosi (Lauren Victoria Burke)

Except he didn’t accept the compromise bill because it didn’t contain five billion dollars for a “real wall.” “Congress tried to sell me AN ART INSTALLMENT instead of a wall, but I’M NOT BUYING,” he Tweeted. “Pelosi sold America the Democratic version of the Brooklyn Bridge.”

Now, however, the White House has announced that a concrete wall won’t satisfy Drumpf, it needs to be mobile. “The border is three thousand miles and it will cost Mexico a hundred trillion,” he followed up. “We need to build enough wall now that we can wheel it where it’s needed.”

Other members of the Drumpf administration were caught off guard by the announcement of a “mobile concrete wall on wheels,” which no one believes would be practical. Freedom Caucus spokesman Mark Meadows admitted, “Even if the wall on wheels was only a hundred feet long it would move no faster than a couple of miles an hour. Unless it was made from Legos. The whole country of Mexico could cross the border before they moved the wall from one location to the next.”

“The border is three thousand miles and it will cost Mexico a hundred trillion. We need to build enough wall now that we can wheel it where it’s needed.”

Other members of the Republican Congress call the proposal, “The Emperor’s New Wall.” Democrats, in the meantime, refer to it as “another non-starter from the emperor’s old brain.” In the words of Texas Congressman Beto Hernandez, who leaves office this month, “when you start with nothing, you end up with nothing.”

Officials refuse to confirm that Mulvaney submitted his resignation only to be told his contract required him to be fired. But Drumpf refuses to fire any employee before they undergo months of unrestrained public humiliation. “What’s good enough for Tillerson is good enough for you,” he told Mulvaney.

Other requirements include that the contract for the wall go to The Drumpf Organization, as will the contract for materials and a promise that only Republican Federal workers will be paid for their time. Democrats swore they wouldn’t submit another funding bill until a new President is elected, which, White House sources admit, is exactly what Drumpf wants.

Officials refuse to confirm that Mulvaney submitted his resignation only to be told his contract required him to be fired. But Drumpf refuses to fire any employee before they undergo months of unrestrained public humiliation.

Meanwhile, at the border (at least according to Drumpf) the millions of terrorists, drug dealers, Mexican Moslems, murderers, rapists and child molester illegal immigrants who voted for the Democrats in November are massed to return should the government stay shut down. Drumpf also claims they’re praying for the Democrats to keep the government shut so they can swarm our borders and kick Americans out of their homes.

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.