Drumpf concludes investigation of Oval Office and declares, “No sign of any crime.” (litchick)

Drumpf to Take Helm of Mueller Probe

”Nobody knows more about the dirt on me than me.”

Drumpf sprung a surprise headline on the Reuters News Agency when he told reporters he is taking control of the Mueller Probe. Readers can’t help but conclude that his plan evolved as he spoke, a familiar Drumpf strategy referred to by experts as “talking from his ass.”

“I have total authority to supervise the investigation,” he claimed. “Total. It’s called Executive Privilege which you Brits don’t have because you have a King. I mean, he has to be a King, right? Because no woman could be that ugly. And Executive Privilege means I don’t have to kiss the ass of my flunkies, they have to kiss mine. So if I tell Mueller to move over and put me in charge of the witch hunt, he’s gotta move over.”

”I don’t have to kiss the ass of my flunkies, they have to kiss mine. So if I tell Mueller to move over and put me in charge of the witch hunt, he’s gotta move over.”

When asked if it was wise to supervise an investigation into his own behavior, Drumpf ridiculed the reporter, James Oliphant, one of three Reuters journalists to sit in on the interview. “You don’t have a clue, do you? No wonder you’re the fake news. Cause you don’t know shit and have to make shit up. Nobody knows more about the dirt on me than me,, and I’m as clean as the white sheet on a Klansman. I’ve never been investigated, indicted or had a law suit filed against me. I know that’s not true of Mueller and the three hundred angry Democrats out to burn me at the stake.”

Drumpf didn’t stop with these claims. He added that, “no one knows more about the law and investigations than me. Most people don’t know it, but I taught law at Wharton while I was earning my degree. When I left to make money they said there was never a law professor more knowledgable than me. Which is where I came up with the idea for Drumpf University. Because Wharton wanted me to start Drumpf Law School first. And I taught criminal investigation too because I had so much experience in school finding out who stole my fellow students’ lunch money.”[1]

“This should interest you English fellas. I was such a good investigator that Scotland Yard brought me to London to train Sherlock Holmes.”

“The fictional Sherlock Holmes was fictional. I trained the real one. Which makes me better suited to run this investigation than criminal Democrats secretly working for Hillary Clinton.”

At this point reporter Steve Holland broke in. “You are aware Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character?”

“Shows how much you fake news people know about your own country,” Drumpf challenged. “The fictional Sherlock Holmes was fictional. I trained the real one. Which makes me better suited to run this investigation than criminal Democrats secretly working for Hillary Clinton. I can guarantee any evidence this witch hunt turns up will be planted. Like the contracts between me and Putin? To provide top secret military movements in exchange for rights to a Drumpf Hotel in Moscow? Totally fabricated. Not that there are any, but when they turn up, I can promise Mueller forged them to get me.”

By this point, the video shows Drumpf’s face was redder than a Communist Party member and his spittle was drenching the reporters’ suits. He excused himself and called Attorney General Jeff Sessions on his iPhone. “I’ve had it,” he shouted. “Fire the FBI. I’m taking charge.”

“I find it hard to believe the President has the authority to unilaterally fire the FBI,” interjected Jeff Mason, the third member of the team.

“When you get to be President, you’ll learn I can do anything I want to.”

He then called White House Counsel Don McGhan and demanded to know where his bag of Big Macs was. The tape captures him shouting, “As long as I pay your paycheck, you answer to me and me alone.”


[1]: According to school records Drumpf identified the culprit because it was him.

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:


Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.