Drumpf addresses patriotic teens in front of the new Presidential Seal. (Voice of America)

Drumpf Unveils New Seal

Gift from Russia for “good luck” in 2020

Phillip T Stephens
Jul 26, 2019 · 4 min read

After Drumpf’s speech to the Turncoat USA teen summit went viral on Youtube, viewers noticed something odd. The Presidential seal displayed behind Drumpf wasn’t the official Presidential seal. The new seal, which featured Russia’s double-headed eagle and the words “Putin’s puppet” in Russian, caught observers off-guard, especially since this wouldn’t be the first time Drumpf tried to replace the Presidential Seal with one of his own design (and image).

In addition to the double eagle, the seal depicts the eagles’ claws holding golf clubs, thousand dollar bills, and Hillary Clinton’s missing thirty thousand emails.

Tthe White House declared the display was the “accidental fuck up of a second rate Turncoat intern who wasn’t properly vetted, which this White House would never have allowed to happen.” They claim she downloaded the wrong high-resolution gif file because “she was too stupid to know the real thing.”

In addition to the double eagle, the seal depicts the eagles’ claws holding golf clubs, thousand dollar bills, and Hillary Clinton’s missing thirty thousand emails.

Turncoat “voluntarily” fired the intern after the White House said Drumpf would mock them ruthlessly on Twitter if they didn’t own up to their stupid mistakes.

Even as the White House released the “fired intern mistake” story, Drumpf was on the White House lawn telling reporters the new seal was “a real improvement on the stupid seal Obama used. A bald eagle? What kind of symbol is that? I’m not bald. I have a great head of hair. One hundred percent natural. So we unveiled this new one for my speech to the kiddos, who had some great looking broads in the audience, I guarantee you. A little old for my taste but so is the first lady.”

Drumpf added that the new symbol design was a “good luck” gift from “my good friend Vlad, who hired designers at Russian media and some company called the Internet Research Service, who I’d never heard of by the way, but Vlad assures me they’re great people and I told Attorney General Barr to give them the best treatment available should there be any hassles from the Democrats, and I think it reflects American values perfectly. Especially the two heads, that would be me and Vlad putting our heads together to Make the World Great Again.”

“A bald eagle? What kind of symbol is that? I’m not bald. I have a great head of hair. One hundred percent natural.”

The New York Times’ Carl Hulse asked Drumpf if the phrase “Putin’s puppet” didn’t bother him.

“That’s not what it says. Vlad assured me. It means ‘partnership within hierarchy.’ Doesn’t that sound noble and full of gravity? I don’t get why you’re making such a big deal of this, unless you’re afraid to cover the real story. How Bob Mueller told the dumbbell Dems once and for all that I can’t be indicted. I’m clean and free of the witch hunt.”

“Actually, he said you could be indicted if you lose the election,” suggested Francesca Chambers of The Daily Mail.

“Obama used every dirty trick in the book to deceive voters, and was himself a foreign agent interfering in the election since he wasn’t even born here.”

“That just shows how little you listen,” Drumpf snapped. “The code phrase is ‘if I lose the election.’ But what else did he tell you? That my good friend Vlad has taken a personal interest in the 2020 elections, and he’ll make sure the American people, the good American people, the real Americans who love America and not the traitorous Americans who want to sell this country to foreign interests like Puerto Rico, he’ll make sure the Democrats don’t trick them or steal their votes. So I’m a shoo in because, unlike Obama, who used every dirty trick in the book to deceive voters, and was himself a foreign agent interfering in the election since he wasn’t even born here, I have an ally who will make sure the elections are on the straight and narrow. Which means me.”

The new symbol has met with approval from Drumpf voters who support America’s partnership with Russia to stop the immigrants who want to ruin America.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Written by

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Phillip T Stephens

Written by

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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