Drumpf Vetos Resolution
Institutes pre-emptive vetos for future ‘bull**t’
Drumpf pushed his Presidency from putting his mouth where his mouth is to putting his mouth where his mouth is and claiming it’s real money. He issued his first veto with a bigger production than an Apprentice Finale. He scheduled six Country Western bands, a Charlton Heston impersonator (who whacked his Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer impersonators in a political Punch and Judy show), three high school and two college cheerleading teams (all of whom refused to perform without their uniforms) and the twelve Republican Senators who voted against him on the emergency resolution who were forced to cheer for Trump with the cheerleaders.
While the bands played “I’m Proud to Be an American” in unison, Drumpf marked out the pages of the bill with his oversized Sharpie and affixed his brand new gold veto stamp which the Treasury worked overtime to produce (at a cost of two million dollars to the taxpayers).
Drumpf scheduled six Country Western bands, a Charlton Heston impersonator, three high school and two college cheerleading teams — all of whom refused to perform without their uniforms.
“This is a great day in America,” he announced. “The spineless Senate went against me and it didn’t do any good because this little stamp undoes their vote. Not only does this stamp undo their vote, it demonstrates once and for all who has the power, and that’s me, Donald Drumpf, the most powerful President in the history of powerful Presidents, who can tell Congress to fuck itself with with one stamp.”
He applied the stamp, then pressed hard until his face turned red, then applied fixative spray on the stamp, then displayed the vetoed bill for the cameras.
New schedule of daily emergencies
“This emergency power thing is great. I promised the Republicans I’d help them on a bill limiting my emergency powers, but, let’s face it, I’m the brains of this operation. I’m not giving up the goose that laid the egg. That’s the key to good negotiation, let them think they have a deal until they sign, then smoothly yank your hand away. You think I don’t know they’re going to haggle me down on my border wall next time, and by the way I didn’t say Jew me down because the Republicans with sticks up their asses think ‘Jew’ is a racial slur, which it is when the Democrats say it, because they’re the racists and anti-semantics not like me, but it’s a term of endearment when I say it because I let so many Jews into my family when my daughter married one. Without my emergency powers how am I going to get my way? Like the so-called Mueller report. I need those emergency powers to keep it from coming out and making me look bad. And a lot of other things. So I not only created a Veto, I’m officially enacting the Presidential Pre-Emptive Veto to stop the Democrats before they hatch even more of their stupid shit.”
“That’s the key to good negotiation, let them think they have a deal until they sign, then smoothly yank your hand away.”
Strike before they strike you
Among the pre-vetoes Drumpf issued during the ceremony:
- Six Democratic Presidential candidates with the promise of more to come, including “Shamala” Kamala Harris, Cory “He’s no Bookie” Booker, “Slow” Joe Biden, “Bernie-Wiener” Sanders and “Pocahontas.”
- Any bill that spends less than half the military budget to build his wall. “Shut down the public schools to pay for the tanks. What good have they done your kid?”
- Any campaign reform bill, “unless it removes any and all limits on fundraising and spending. Then I’m for it.”
- Any bill limiting the powers of the President or his family members.
- Any attempt to enforce “the so-called emoluments clause. They don’t pay President’s shit. We have to make a living somehow.”
- Any attempt to stop the sale of New York, Pennsylvania, Washington D.C., Colorado and the West Coast states to Russia for one hundred billion dollars. “It will reduce our deficit and we need to dump the Democratic loser states anyway. I’m calling it ‘The Colorado Purchase’ in honor of the great deal we got with the Louisiana thing.”
Drumpf also announced upcoming emergency declarations including the declaration of an investigative emergency which will allow him to disband the current special counsel and appoint a new one with Rudy Giuliani at the helm. The counsel will investigate “Crooked Hillary,” “the terrorist immigrant currently called AOC and her two Moslem comrades,” and the entire 2020 Presidential field.
“Selling the states to Russia will reduce our deficit and we need to dump the Democratic loser states anyway. I’m calling it ‘The Colorado Purchase’ in honor of the great deal we got with the Louisiana thing.”
He hinted he will also declare a national electoral emergency that will allow him to disband the Democratic party. “They’ve done nothing useful, shipped in hundreds of millions of illegal immigrants to vote, and proved a disappointment to America anyway.”
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
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