The Haven
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The Haven

Artist’s conception of Drumpf’s brain scan.

Drumpf’s Medical Records Revealed

Brain scan literally turns up empty

White House insiders confirm that Drumpf will forego this year’s medical exam. “He’s too busy with the threat of invasion by border terrorist immigrants funded by the Democratic Party to worry about his perfectly perfect health this year,” said B.G. Kizzazz, Chief of Staff Steve Mnuchin’s assistant deputy. “Maybe next year, although I doubt it.”

Other members of the White House staff, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirm that Drumpf hasn’t been able to find a doctor who will doctor the results since the cockup with Ronny Jackson. One source confided, “It doesn’t matter what he promises the new doctors, none of them believe he can deliver. So whatever turns up this year will make it into the public record. And no one wants to see that.”

“The joke is, there’s nothing to see. Literally. They looked inside his skull and they couldn’t even find cobwebs.”

Another source, however, said the opposite. “The joke is, there’s nothing to see. Literally. They looked inside his skull and they couldn’t even find cobwebs.”

The Haven took the comment metaphorically until the source offered to provide us with a copy of the records. For a price. Unwilling to pay the four million dollars requested (“because I need to blow this joint before they pass the Federal Permissible Slavery statute and make us work without pay permanently”), we agreed to a smaller fee for a sample of Drumpf’s brain results. Those results surprised no one on the staff.

According to Jackson’s X-Rays, Drumpf literally has nothing inside his skull. It’s an empty space. “This man shouldn’t be alive,” Jackson wrote in his notes. “He seems to be driven purely by anger and vanity.”

The results of Drumpf’s brain scan. (Michael Vadon)

“I’m not sure I’d call it an empty space,” admitted Physicians’ Assistant Goa Long, who worked beside Jackson on the physical. Long was forbidden to discuss the exam, but, now that he’s furloughed/working without pay as a non-essential/essential employee, he decided to share. “Something was sucking the rays from the X-Ray machine, which provided a cloudy scan. It’s more like a black hole in empty space, sucking the light from everything in its immediate vicinity. His brain was probably pulled across the event horizon and squeezed into an infinitesimal point in another universe.”

Long added, “It would still be useless, and most likely dead, but squeezed into a single point in space and time. Which may explain why he can’t move past the wall and the 2016 election.”

“It’s like a black hole in empty space, sucking the light from everything in its immediate vicinity.“

The exam shows that Jackson hooked Drumpf to an EEG to look for brain activity, and the results were even more surprising.[1] His EEG was a flatline. No activity whatever. By accident, however, Long informed us, a nurse turned on CNN outside the examination room and his EEG showed an even more startling result.

“This looks like the characters used in comics and political cartoons to symbolize swearing,” Jackson noted. He didn’t identify the term because it isn’t medical, but he did ponder whether the excess of exclamation points indicated emphasis or was repeated use of the F word which Drumpf is known to lob at his staff whenever he’s angry.[2]

Additional tests showed that his EEG resembled a “hearts” sine wave when his name was mentioned, and a much smaller hearts sine when the television was tuned to FOX

When asked to comment, Kizzazz replied, “What you saw is not only Fake News but protected under the official secrets act. We can put you in jail if you publish it.” He disconnected the line when asked why fake news would be classified.

For the record, The Haven has already confirmed that Drumpf does have a heart, but it’s made of coal.

[1]: Except to anyone who listens to him improvise. Or read a prepared statement.

[2]: In other words, constantly.

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.