The Haven
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The Haven

SCOTUS nominee Brett Kavanaugh observes Peter Strzok’s harsh treatment by GOP members of Congress. He is assured his bias won’t be questioned. (DoD)

Dueling Standards Create Surreality TV

Strzok testimony sparks brawl in committee chambers

July 12, 2018

Americans learned a half-dozen vital facts during the Joint House Hearings to crucify rogue FBI agent (and agent of the Clinton Empire) Peter Strzok:

  1. Belief is bias if you disagree with Republicans or if you agree with Democrats.
  2. Dentists can read body language better than any one else, primarily because they trained on people whose mouths have been demobilized with pain killers.
  3. Strozk is a lying liars’ lying liar and is incapable of telling the truth, which made Haven reporters wonder why he was called to testify under oath.
  4. You can lie to Congress on every answer, as Republicans claim Strzok did, and not be prosecuted.
  5. If Peter Strzok can successfully lie to his wife for years about banging someone else, how can unsophisticated Republican Congressmen be expected to detect the sophisticated techniques of sophistry, prevarication and deceit upon which he relies?[1]
    All they need to know is a lying liar lies all the time, so truth telling GOP Congressmen don’t need to listen to his answers. His lips are moving, so he must be lying.
  6. Judge Kavanaugh’s belief that abortion rights should be ripped from women’s bleeding hands will not affect his rulings on the Supreme Court. Unlike Strzok, he has beliefs but not biases.

This last fact was thrown into Strzok’s face each time he pointed out that belief isn’t bias, and professionals can set both aside.[2] “You’re a liar, not an honorable man like Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh,” Ohio GOP Representative O.S. Tritch shouted. “He has the conviction of his beliefs. You were only sleeping with Linda Slutsky because you aren’t good enough for Hillary. There’s a world class slut, who sold her emails to Russia as the investigation proved, and if she prefers that dirt bag Bill to you, that tells us you’re lower than the hole that oil pipes leak in.”

If Peter Strzok can successfully lie to his wife for years about banging someone else, how can unsophisticated Republican Congressmen be expected to detect the sophisticated techniques of sophistry, prevarication and deceit upon which he relies?

To rub in the comparison the committee chairmen invited Kavanaugh to attend as their special guest. To compensate for the heat that rose past 150 degrees in the chamber once the questions started, Republicans offered their “newest Justice” cigars, wine and canapés.

Strzok was required to pay for his own bottled water.

“We know damn well you can’t set your beliefs aside at work. None of us can do it, and we’re the bosses of you,” accused Texas Representative B.G. Tahlke. To which Houston Rep. Shiela Jackson Lee replied, “You’ve got to be kidding me. Not as though we didn’t know it all along. Just glad to hear you say it.”

Tahlke leaped from his seat to punch Jackson Lee and had to be restrained by Democratic colleagues. Republican colleagues tried to hold back her Democratic colleagues so Tahlke could punch her. “Me and Jesus, baby,” he shouted. “And you and Satan. You and Satan and his errand boys at the FBI.”

“We know damn well you can’t set your beliefs aside at work. None of us can do it, and we’re the bosses of you.”

Fifteen minutes later, House Speaker Paul Ryan requested the National Guard to restore calm, but all available troops had already been deployed in a futile effort to locate children I.C.E. lost. In desperation, Ryan called for mercinary troops from Academi (formerly Xe Services, formerly Blackwater) who parachuted through the roof and took every Democrat prisoner.

After the legislators were released this morning, hearing chair Trey Gowdy told the press, “The arrests were a mistake. The Blackw…I mean, private contractors were supposed to restrain the Democrats in the Capitol basement until we could give them tranquilizers and release them into the wild.”

Update Friday, July 13

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein further complicated the House investigation when he announced indictments against twelve Russian intelligence operatives who hacked into the Clinton campaign from the Kremlin. Jackson Lee, who had openly challenged Republican members of the committees to look to Russia instead of “our own FBI,” told reporters, “These indictments prove what a waste of time this investigation of the investigation was. Maybe now we can focus on the real criminals, including the President’s best friend Vladimir Putin.”

Not so fast, Rep. Louie Gohmert countered soon after. Gohmert, who asked Strozk yesterday how he could “look innocently into your wife’s eyes and lie to her,” announced he will pressure the committees to recall the witness to explain account for the fact that “Clinton sold emails from her server to Russian spies. We want to know how much she made, and how much she paid him to cover it up.”

“Clinton sold emails from her server to Russian spies. (Members of Congress) want to know how much she made, and how much she paid (Strzok) to cover it up.”

Tahlke, who was standing with Gohmert in the capitol lobby, added, “These indictments prove how guilty Clinton is, and Rosenstein as much as admitted it. Now the FBI has to account for its gross negligence.”

“If you didn’t believe anything Strzok said yesterday, why would you call him back to lie again?” asked one reporter.

“Ratings,” Gohmert answered. “Ratings and to get the story back on Fox News so our voters will see how righteous we are and how Clinton betrayed us to Russia. I may even get five minutes on prime time with Hannity. That has to be worth another fifty thousand votes.”

Americans interpret Strzok’s text along party lines

In a national poll conducted by The Haven ninety percent of Democrats interpreted Strzok’s pre-election text that they would stop 45 to mean, “stop him with our votes.” One hundred and twenty percent of Republicans interpreted the text to mean, “frame him, jail him, and if that doesn’t work, assisnate him.” Every GOP respondent replied to their survey on their work phones. Ninety-five percent of the Democrats waited to answer from home.

Every GOP respondent replied to (The Haven’s) survey on their work phones. Ninety-five percent of the Democrats waited to answer from home.

“If Strzok taught me one thing,” one commented, “it’s that bosses are fucking Nazi and you can only express your opinion at work if you worship the orange nightmare.” The Haven later confirmed that the five percent of Democrats who responded from work were fired for “colluding with the enemies of the state.”

When he heard about the House Brawl during a State dinner in London, 45 Tweeted, “Glad to see those liars were dragged over their WITCH HUNTING coals. In my America HONESTY IS FIRST.” Today, after hearing Rosenstein’s announcement, he added, “Rosenstein colluded with Struck and now more Russians are unfairly imprisoned. Every one of them weighs more than 400 pounds and hacked MY CAMPAIGN (not Crooked Hillary’s) FROM THEIR COUTCH on THEY’RE OWN TIME.”

[1]: An art 45 never mastered, possibly because Melania was banging him when he lied to Ivanka, who was banging him when he lied to Marla.

[2]: Unlike the police officers, the President most reveres. The ones who shoot the first black suspect who enters their field of vision.

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.