Elon Musk Blames Children On Operators of Self-Driving Penis

“Accidental births were the fault of the women driving my penis.”

“In defending its partially automated systems, Tesla has said that Autopilot and ‘Full Self-Driving’ cannot drive themselves…” — Newsweek, June 14, 2022

“With the news that the SpaceX CEO has a set of twins by one of his executives, the count for Elon Musk’s children is now nine.” — Vanity Fair, July 7, 2022

While it has been widely reported that I — Elon Musk — have nine children with three different women, my attorneys insist I am not personally liable for any unintended pregnancies. I am sympathetic to anyone affected by inadvertently bearing my offspring, but it is clear these incidents were caused by the women piloting my penis at the time of conception.

As CEO of my penis, I am responsible for ensuring its performance and durability. I am not, however, accountable for every baby resulting from its collision with a woman’s reproductive system.

I want to reassure the public that my repeatedly reproducing is a bug, and not a feature. I am disappointed by even one adverse experience someone might have while using my penis, and am committed to resolving the concerns of anyone who might want to take it for a spin in the future.