Elon Musk: Your Skin Will Probably Fall Off, Your Teeth Will Fall Out, and Your Brain Will Be Fried Like an Egg
But your name will go down in history when you sign up for the first voyage to Mars
Tougher than people realize.
The trip to Mars will be tougher than most people expect, Elon Must admitted in an interview at SpaceX headquarters. “It’s tough sledding over there.”
But interviewer and XPrize founder Peter Diamandis tried to keep things light, by reminding the audience that it is a “glorious adventure.”
“Sure,” said Musk. “If by glorious you mean you will be gasping for air, and what your lungs do manage to ingest will likely be poisonous, foul and of pestilent with gases so noxious you vomit up huge chunks of your own esophagus, then yes, it will be quite an adventure.”
A “hostile environment” doesn’t quite do it justice.
Still, Diamandis reminded the crowd that it would be an amazing experience.”
Musk took issue with that.
“You know what’s an amazing experience?” he quipped. “Having your blood actually circulate through your veins, instead of becoming stagnant and pooling as the weak gravity begins to take its toll on the human circulatory system. Your feet puff up like balloons. Your testicles shrivel up to the size of peas. Your penis retracts into your body like a frightened turtle, and your eyeballs explode in the depressurized atmosphere, as the top of your skull pops off and the blood begins to gurgle out the top of your head like a fountain. So yes, that is an amazing experience.”
Confident that mass murder is achievable and attainable within a few years.
Not to put anybody off signing up for the trip, though, Diamandis congratulated Musk on his new timeline of fewer than five years before the transport of humans to Mars begins in 2026.
“If by transport you mean we take your pulverized and decomposing remains onto the red planet after an unforeseen radiation event, then yes, we are highly confident that several human corpses will go down in history as the first load of gore and viscera to be dumped on another planet.”
But Musk pointed out, if we are to become a multi-planet species, for the “survival of humanity and life as we know it, somebody has to be brave and volunteer for the journey.”
Take one for the team!
“And remember,” he added. “It’s a one-way trip and there’s not a hope in hell of you coming back alive, so please just sign here on the dotted line. And have a nice trip!”
At press time, more than three hundred thousand “volunteers” had signed up to be horribly murdered in outer space. Since the spaceship will only fit a few hundred people, there are going to be a lot of very disappointed wannabe dead Martians, who will never make history. And who will, unfortunately, continue to be comfortable, well-fed, and quite alive here on this boring planet Earth.
Oh well, maybe they can buy themselves a Tesla and let the “autopilot” run them head-on into a tree!