Thank You for Your Devoted Commitment to Being Our Wage Slave and Providing Outstanding Contributions to Our Bottom Line by Working Harder and Earning Less
On this Employee Appreciation Day, I extend my gratitude to each of you for your unwavering dedication and remarkable contributions to our company’s success, which justifies my outrageous paycheck. Without your perseverance and commitment, my ridiculously inflated salary would not be possible. Your resilience and collaborative spirit have not only propelled our company forward but our new “better” (for the company) commission system increases our profits while reducing our expenses within our industry (by compensating you at a lower rate).
You Define Our Identity
At BIG BAD RETAIL COMPANY, we take pride in our culture of making as much profit as possible and turning the rank-and-file employees against one another when the executives running the place are the actual enemy. We believe in keeping the working man, pardon me, working *person* down and working together toward (discounted) stock options for us while offering you full-price shares in your retirement plans to prop up our floundering stock price. Your commitment to delivering exceptional service to our customers and fostering a positive team environment is truly inspiring – since we treat you like garbage (because, deep down, that’s what we think you are). Your contributions play a vital role in keeping our customers connected to the essential services they count on, so please stop selfishly quitting, as your turnover increases our costs. As we strive to increase our stock prices, let us celebrate our company’s successes as you slog along at the tedious drudgery that this job inflicts upon you as you learn from your many challenges (or don’t – it makes no difference to us), and pretend like we care with this crappy message full of empty words.
Commitment to Mediocrity
At BIG BAD RETAIL COMPANY, you are not just employees but lowly members of a team that we exploit as much as possible. It’s no coincidence that ESTEEMED CAPITALISM MAGAZINE recognized us as one of the top employers in the US (which only goes to show how outright bad it is to work for a soulless US conglomerate). Your passion, determination, and gluttony for punishment distinguish our team.
Once again, thank you for your hard work, dedication, and loyalty. I am incredibly . . . ambivalent about being a part of this team – and there, I marked this stupid employee appreciation day (though I couldn’t care less about employees – which is why it’s so handy for me to have a copywriter to write this drivel).
(Not at all) sincerely,
Reginald von Bogus
Senior Corporate Shrill
