Ending My Amazon Prime Subscription Killed Me: Don’t Make the Same Mistake
I’m writing this from purgatory; it seems one needs an Amazon Prime membership for acceptance into Heaven or Hell. I recklessly cancelled my Amazon Prime as an act of resistance without knowledge that human bodies have evolved to depend on two-day shipping and it cost me my life. Of course, our bodies’ dependence on two-day shipping was something I should have gleaned when my coworker said, “I fucking can’t stand that tool Jeff Bezos, but I literally just can’t live without my Amazon Prime membership.” In my hubris, I surmised she was using “literally” figuratively and simply lacked the patience to wait for her back scratcher. I discovered the hard way that she was using “literally” literally and now I’m dead.
It was a slow and painful death which was prompted when I ordered a new comb to replace my broken one. Finding the new comb was quite easy; I happily paid for the five-day shipping cost because the revolution requires sacrifice. On the third day following my order my hair follicles inverted and began growing into my scalp, causing my brain to bleed. I didn’t know that not combing my hair in two days would lead my hair to attack my own brain. I have always received my comb shipment in two days or even less through Amazon; this was an unknown unknown. When my comb from combs.com finally arrived on the sixth day…
