Entitled Teenager Explains How To Handle Whiny Moms
What to say when she pulls the “It’s so expensive” shit
Never panic
Do NOT panic when your mom tosses the age-old guilt-inducing, Do you know how lucky you are? There are kids starving in Somalia and Ethiopia and India! on you. It’s a rite of passage all of us teensters need to get through. And to them you say, “Aren’t you thrilled I won the world’s biggest lottery by being born in America? Aren’t you grateful you’re able to fulfil my every need unlike starving mothers in Somalia and Ethiopia who go to bed worried about how to feed their children every day? How privileged are you to work 3 jobs with just a GED and buy me the latest iPhone when engineers in India are jobless?”
Never show any weakness
Be mature. Help your mom with her money issues by dating multiple older dudes who can buy you expensive things. Unimaginative mom will have a cow and drop truth bombs like You are 14! And you’re dating three different men in their 20s? You are grounded! My house, my rules! Congratulations. You’ve arrived at your second rite of passage moment. She’s emotional. So, you be logical and explain how she tries on at least 100 different pairs of jeans at the mall before deciding not to buy any of them because none of them ‘fit’, right? So, what’s wrong if you test drive three different dudes to see who ‘fits’ you? This when the old dudes give you free stuff and you’re able to lighten your mom’s financial load? Hello? Ungrateful much?
Never share anything
Moms want to feel connected AND save money by sharing your things. She will want to borrow your iPad to read, ‘How to Become a Slut in 10 Days’ or look for new ways to lose weight like going on a laxative diet or buying magnetic slimming toe rings or the benefits of consuming Dr. Kwak’s tapeworms. Refuse to share your iPad password and watch her go ballistic. She’ll say I bought it for you. But remember — when she goes high you must go low. Drop words like freedom, privacy etc. That may not work. So go next level — mental torture, abuse. End with a bang by muttering, Maybe I should call child services?
Never get guilt-tripped
Don’t allow her to emotionally blackmail you. When she lists every trite, boring and tedious detail of everything she did to buy you that $400 pair of jeans — fight back. I worked 16 straight hours, spent two more hours saving on groceries at Walmart so I could score your designer jeans — “Free exercise mom. You know you need it.” The asshole handsy bartender copped a feel when I took that extra shift at the bar — “At least you’re getting some action, mom.”
Focus her on the positive.
Never get outplayed
Buy me this. Buy me that. You think I’m made of money? Do you want me to sell myself? Is that what you want? Give her a reality check. Look her up and down. Take your time. Let her see you do it. And then say mildly, “Lovely idea, mom! But, honestly? Who will buy you?”
Never get belittled
When she whines, “Why do you want to try clothes at designer stores like Michael Kors and Stella McCartney when you KNOW I can’t afford to even window shop in them?”
This is a perfect teaching moment. Encourage her to work harder, pick up more shifts, maybe get an MBA from an evening college and move up the career ladder. TEACH her to dream big. Just because she thinks she can’t afford it doesn’t mean she actually cannot. Give her practical tips on how to make ready cash and hustle. Donate blood. Donate her eggs. Donate plasma. Become a surrogate. Especially the last one. Look at you. You’re the perfect specimen she has created. What better recommendation for a job market she didn’t realize she needed to get into?
Never let her forget
Finally…change her vocabulary. It’s never about what she thinks you need OR what she can afford. It’s always about what you want. What. You. Want.
