EPA Memo: Scott Pruitt’s Top 15 Excuses for “Climate Change”

RE: Let’s Not Call It a Blizzard

SUBJECT: Regarding misinformation circulated by the previous administration re: global temperature increase, re: anomalous weather patterns, re: blizzard denial

FROM: Scott Pruitt

Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency

TO: my very own Environmental Protection Agency

Though at present I am in fact quite chilly, as you all know, I’m willing to concede that there may be such a thing as “global warming.” (See previous memo regarding the EPA’s new stance on “scare quotes.”) Yes, it is entirely possible that global temperatures have become elevated over a certain number of years. As we know, men are fallible. Thus it is impossible to accurately measure how long we have been measuring temperature.

As a civilization, our methods of counting are imprecise at best. Who is to say how many feet of snow I am standing in right now. It is neither up to my belly button nor over my head. Yet liberals assume they are all-seeing. To quote our illustrious leader: Sad!

However, I am willing to meet the liberals halfway. I am willing to concede that, although I am presently standing in snow that is an unknown number of inches above my navel, some places on the planet may be experiencing temperatures that “scientists” guess are somewhat above “average,” average being an indeterminate range in the ballpark of normal.

In Florida where our exalted Commander in Chief is toiling away at his weekly 18 holes for the sake of our nation, we might call this “average” balmy and dispense with the numbers. Life without numbers is so much more streamlined.

Of course, our “friends” in blue insist on their “numbers.” So I will lay it out on paper for them. I will get out the measuring tape. The snow — it’s still piling up! — has reached my sternum, which is precisely 51.3 inches off the ground.

Environmental Protection Agents, I know what you’re wondering. How can our dear Scott be writing this memo if he is nearly up to his neck in snow? Fortitude, my friends. Fortitude! Something I ask all of you to pursue as we fight “climatologists” and “fact-checkers.”

As for climate change: though it is in fact presently snowing through the hole in my office roof, global “warming” may well exist. However, the permanence and cause of this “warming” is still very much up for debate.

Some pundits on the left are saying that “human activity” has had an impact on our climate, but these are false statements bolstered by alternative information. The “scientists’” so-called “research” is made up of “numbers” that say humans have been the “primary contributor” to global warming over the past two “centuries.”

These things are impossible to know really. I mean, how can we be sure anything before the internet even existed? And yet, the left soldiers on. They are just like my secretary. She keeps insisting that I was told to “evacuate” and that my office is now “inhospitable” to human life. But have I left? No! There is still work to be done.

We must correct the insidious lies being spread about our beautiful planet. My team has discovered several possible explanations as to the origins of global warming. To make all of you “scientists” happy, I’ll even put numbers next to them:

1. cows

2. the cyclical nature of our climate

3. very small volcanoes

4. Divine Decree

5. Hillary Clinton

6. liberal hysteria

7. I want my list to be longer.

8. eight

9. ancient aliens

10. the illuminati

11. Hillary Clinton

12. Hillary Clinton’s emails

13. vegetarians

14. the outsourcing of American jobs

15. Barak Obama

As you can see, there are many possible explanations for global warming. It is our job now to share the truth with climate deniers on the left. Without their cooperation, big business can never triumph over the common man. I mean for. Triumph FOR the common man.

It is for the common man that we build our pipelines and bathe our rivers with live-giving oil.

It is for the common man that we must deregulate industry and dilute these so-called “protections” that stop our sunsets from being rimmed with a breathtaking haze. Because whatever helps big business helps the little man. Wealth and freedom for all! It’s what our country stands for.

I feel warmer just thinking about it. Too warm, actually. Maybe I should take off my coat. And these snow boots. And these long underwear.

My secretary’s yelling at me again. She insists that I need help “immediately” and that I have “hypothermia.”

I’m not convinced.